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apescat monkeysphere

One of the things I like about cracked.com is they sometimes sneak interesting ideas into their humour. A case in point is this article monkeysphere

It’s a rambling discourse on the shocking nature of society. The central thiessis is that humans are ill-suited to hanging out with or caring about more than 150 or so people. Writer ramblingly explores implications of this then ends with advice in the form of a total cheat acronym: TRY. T stands for you are a Total moron. R stands for undeRstand there are no supermonkeys. Y stands for don’t let anYbody simplify it for you. I think it means 1) humility 2) they’re as bad as us / we’re as bad as them 3) hurray for complexity and be suspicious of those trying to simplify.

File it under
Odd, mixed messages, refreshing read

This things I believe

So I've been inspired by some things lately, that I'm hoping will translate into some kinda action, somehow.

Reading the Shock Doctrine, a bit shocking and depressing really. I find some of Klein's arguments a bit weak and unoriginal, but she puts it all together quite well. It reminds me a bit of John Pilger, but not as harrowing and more journalistic (whatever that means). Anyway, it's still a mostly compelling read.

By the way, Pilger's compilation Tell Me No Lies is really required reading for anyone interested in, well, stuff.

I'm also reading Worldchanging, which is a coffee table book, but also a fantastic and inspiring compilation of good ideas, grouped under headings such as community, politics and business. Unlike the Shock Doctrine, it's not depressing. It contains stacks of information but does a good job in showing how it can easily be translated into action. Here's their website.

I have several awesome coffee table books, including Homework and Heaven & Earth. When we have guests, these books entertain and inform them, and reflect positively on me, their owner and displayer.

Finally, I went along to a couple of events from the TINA festival at Newcastle on the weekend. One was about post-paper publishing (omg, so self-referential!) and the other was about art and politics. We do not need to make political art. We need to make art politically! A chap in the audience commented that we need to stop talking about art and start talking about how to communicate effectively. When I pressed him afterwards for examples of effective communication, he gesticulated wildly and shouted that he was not here to deliver a doctrine, adding that personal communication beyond the bounds of corporate media was essential, a good example being F*CK APEC being written on a wall. Very direct and simple.

Came across some interesting folk at the post-paper publishing session, and I will soon be checking out litmusphere, the new critic and engagemedia.

Dem Blues

Once Wenceslas Winced

Wang Kar Wai. Isn't that the name of a director?

I smacked the hay. Got busted by ticket inspectors, tried to get off at Nod, they sent me back to Slump. When I awoke, the dinosaur had already left. That's not the shortest story ever.

Three men have been arrested trying to steal an ATM from Stanmore Plaza. One of them was armed with a hacksaw, which he was seen using to enter his PIN. When that failed, his accomplice, named Bilson, tried to lift the ATM out of its socket. He hurt his calf muscles, so a passerby alerted security, who called a medic. "Medic! I need a medic for christ's sake!" cried the security.

The third man appeared to panic, obtaining a screwdriver from his bumbag and undoing the metal casing used to enclose ATM receipts. The receipts scattered about the floor, but behind them was the real booty - gold bullion. It is not known what the highest prime number is.

~~~

Obligatory post-mortem on dogs defeat: I was telling my pops, i said, i said i knew all along earlier this year, the dogs would make the semis and bomb out, say week two. Well it happened. Already there's talk back at the Kennel that Folkesy's gotta go, that Hazem's gotta go, that Perry's gotta go, that the Dogs need to revamp their roster. I revamped my breakfast. I predict that next year they'll either really bomb out, necessitating a proper clean out and glorious resurgence in 09, or plod along and finish 6th again, followed by another semis bombing out. Bring back Ben Barba!

Prediction for the rest of the season: Melbourne will definitely win it all. Parra's looking good too. I think Manly has a chance to win it all. North Queensland could win it all.

Disaster Capitalism

Excerpt from Naomi Klein's new book. I can almost hear the pitter-patter of Australian idiocrats trying to catch up with the U.S. on this one.

Bivouac

I am reading Jack Kerouac's Mexico City Blues aloud (ich lese vor), and it is really agreeing with me. I am up to the 80th chorus (there's 242). It's a quick read, but I can see myself going back over it and reading it again. I don't have strong record of returning to books. I can see myself reading it aloud to others, with their mutual consent. I can see myself mutualise.

There's something very familiar about the writing. I recognise something of myself in there. There's parts that leave me stone motherless cold.

"I have no plans
No dates
No appointments with anybody

So I leisurely explore
Souls and Cities"
...

"F#ck is a dirty word
But it comes out clean."

Gotta get my props

Cops gonna come and snatch my crops. So sang Cypress Hill, and they were referring to devices for hiding things, police, and tomato plants respectively.

Now I am referring to Police behaviour. I had no intention of doing so, until the best and greatest blogger in the world said this. I went to a protest during APEC (Arthur Pectoralis Endosphagnum Changeling) and was struck (metaphorically writing) by the so-far-over-the-top-that-it-was-flying-through-the-air police presence.

At cw's world words have been spoken about Australia being better in terms of complaining to the police, or standing up to them, or having information about your rights. Nowadays, I'm not so confident this is always the case.

First we had the APEC Powers Act to cover said pec, and now with the upcoming Philatelists and Dramaturgs Convention at Darling Harbour the Labor Government has rushed through the Stamp Collector 'n' Playwright Act that expressly forbids anyone from looking at a policeperson, or even thinking about one. Exempted from the act are police and basshounds.

Dogs a mortal lock

Where does that phrase come from anyway?

The Dogs are really building momentum at the right time of the season. Heading into next weekend's grand final qualifier qualifier against Parramatta, the Dogs will be looking to record their fourth straight loss.

Dogs players are already talking their chances up. Lock O'Reni Maitua said the Bulldogs are full of confidence after their great defeat at the hands of the Cowboys. "We can beat anyone on our day, especially Melbourne." What the hell? Every team can beat every team on their day, but it hasn't been the Dogs' day for quite a while.

My prediction: pain.

The game is Saturday night at Homebush, and I am strongly considering going. So strongly, in fact, that I shall soil myself presently.

Election 2007

This year some Australians (not those who haven't enrolled within a few hours of an election being called, nor those who've got gaol terms of three years or more) have a choice. The choice is between a turd sandwich and a giant douche.

Who will win?

I was walking down Enmore Rd a few weeks ago

I was walking down Enmore road a few months ago, as I’ve done more times than I’d care to count (but while we’re here, it’d be less than 1500).

The abandoned post office on the corner, where once the words “Anthony Hopkins is a drug dealer” and “Julia Roberts is a crack addict” adorned it.

The drycleaner with the newly installed rotating sign outside it. It was a rotating triangle, if you can imagine that. Along each edge of the triangle was writing, advertising the services inside. Why was it triangular? Why did it rotate? The sign spun and spun, a marketer’s dreams snuffed down a vortex of nausea.

I passed the newsagent, an attentional black hole if there ever was one, my unwilling eyes being sucked onto the magazine displays and forcing me to learn of celebrities. Furrowed eyebrows were the only clue to the unease I felt for unintentionally looking.

I strode ahead.

As usual, I glanced upwards at signs, light globes and railings from awnings, rooves and the like. Looking for something to jump up at, testing my vertical leap and at the same time demonstrating to passers-by that I was a man who could, and would jump for no apparent reason.

Usually when jumping, it suffices to lightly glance the target with your fingers. If it’s real dirty, you may want to avoid making any contact whatsoever. On this day a few months ago, I decided to hang on to the railing just after the convenience store. Quicker than I could think, I’d pulled myself up to shoulder height, whereupon I jiggled my legs and with surprising ease hoisted myself to the top of the railing. There was a small gap between the roof of this shop and the convenience store’s, so I sprang up between it, absent-mindedly wondering if there was a guillotine waiting above.

I rose to my feet and took a look around. There was a corrugated iron roof that sloped up to an apex at the centre of the building. Before ascending, I turned around and peered down the gap I’d just scrambled up. I saw my shadow on the street. I shifted from side to side and tried to make out my fingers, but it was too blurry. A couply walked over me and the infant in their pram looked straight up at me. It gave me a smile of recognition, then its eyes drifted to my left and the smile disappeared. I spun around to see if anything was there, but I was alone. I looked back down but the sun had passed behind clouds and my shadow was gone.

I returned my gaze to my surroundings and noticed a collection of drink bottles lined up by a wall. There were beer bottles, soft drink bottles and a motley collection of other beverage containers. They were all half empty, or half full if you like. Whoever’s been hanging around here enjoys a wide range of beverages, I thought to myself. Hang on, they can’t enjoy it that much if they never finish the bottle.

I walked up to the bottles and saw that propped up against each one was a little piece of paper. I leaned down to inspect one. On it was printed an address, and each piece of paper had a different address.

Corner of Cleveland and Elizabeth St.

Underneath big Coke sign.

Carillon Ave opposite university entry.

Plot. Thickens. Thoroughly perplexed. I couldn’t see any other signs of life up there, so I quickly climbed back down to street level. My mind was racing, trying to fit facts with reality. Homeless guy with printer? Drunken slobs’ party game? Some sort of conspiracy? How far up did this thing go?

I went home and told my wife about it and she chastised me for climbing up dirty buildings. After a heated discussion, she agreed to come and take a look with me. By then night had fallen and we agreed it would be best to wait until the next day. That night I dreamt of Alf, the TV alien.

The next morning I felt a sharp pang in my stomach. I instantly recognised it as the body’s need for food, so I ate some toast. After being chastised once again by my wife for leaving the knife protruding out of the vegemite jar, I thought to myself how all would be forgiven when she saw the mysterious addressed bottles.

She was walking in to work that day and we left five minutes early. I figured that would be sufficient time to climb up, take a photo with my phone, show it to her and agree on a plan for further action.

I found myself a little reluctant to jump up in my wife’s company, but up I jumped nonetheless. Before lifting myself onto the roof, I cautiously poked my head up and looked around. I almost fell over when I saw a woman up there. Just as my wife was about to start questioning me, I gave the shoosh sign, which fortunately she obeyed.

The woman was crouching down by the bottles, only there were less this time. She was wearing brown slacks and a beige blouse. Her shoes were black as night. She started to turn around and I quickly ducked my head, coming face to face with a pigeon. The pigeon pecked my cheek a single time and returned to the nest it had fashioned for itself.

I felt for blood, and a reassuring look from my wife confirmed to me that no blood had been drawn by the peck. She dilated her pupils and pointed to her watch, although she wore none, and I knew I would not get my photo in time.

I went for one last peek and saw to my horror what the woman must have been turning around to. A homeless man, rank in odour and tattily clothed, was slowly approaching the woman. I called out: “Stoppit!” Both of them turned towards me and then to each other. The last thing I saw as I dropped to the street was a look of recognition on their faces. They knew each other.

I tried to explain everything to my wife as we rushed towards the city, but nothing sense making seemed to fall out of my mouth. She comforted me and at last I had to bid her farewell.

I returned home and wasted three and a half hours surfing the net.

About a week later I was walking home from the library when I noticed a bottle of Lucozade on the ground. It was half full. I bent down to pick it up and caught the disgusted look of an onlooker. My eyes tried to explain, but the passer by was gone before my mouth could open. When I get to the bottom of this, I thought to myself, it will only be looks of approval and understanding that I receive.

Before lifting it, I withdrew a handkerchief from my pocket. It was a gift from my father in law. I felt the weight of the brown bottle in my hands. Little condensation beads had formed on the inside. Even through the kerchief, the bottle was warm from standing in the sun all day. Looking up, I saw the entrance to Sydney University. I did a double take – the kind you see in the movies – and looked down at the bottle. I knew I was in danger.

My body said drop the bottle and run, but my mind said no. I held onto the bottle tightly, so tightly I feared I might break it, until my fear passed. It was a quarter to five. There was still time.

I took a plastic bag from my backpack and carefully placed the Lucozade bottle inside, making sure that no liquid spilled. Rather than tying a knot in the plastic bag, I held the handles, and spun the bottom, forming a watertight seal. Looking upwards, I caught another look from a passer-by. This time it was from a too-cool-for-school inner west type, so nonchalant they were practically agreeing with my strange actions.

In less than a minute I was standing in the office of Professor Mick Horner. Mick, a renowned expert in mass spectrometry analysis, had tutored me in a proteomics class a few semesters back. As far as I know, I was the best student in the class, and I figured he would be nice to me because of this. I quickly explained to him my situation, intermittently prodding both palms towards him to allay his concerns.

As you probably imagine, my thinking was that some sicko was spiking drink bottles with dangerous chemicals and leaving them in public places. If Mick could run a quick mass spec for me, we’d know in half an hour whether the bottle of Lucozade was positive for a number of known harmful compounds.

'Why are you wasting my time?”, Mick said.

“Mick, you’re the best in the business. I know you can help me.”

“What are you talking about? Look, I have a busy schedule, the machine is booked solid until 3pm on Wednesday.”

“Can’t you blow somebody off? This could be life or death stuff. The fate of a twelve year old girl rests in your hands, Mick. Twelve years old!”

Mick appeared to waver at this little white lie, but it was no use.

“Come back on Wednesday, I’ll see what I can do. But without a lead compound, something you at least suspect, it’ll probably be a waste of time.”

I thrust the plastic bag-enshrouded Lucozade into Mick’s arms but he recoiled in horror and the bag fell to the floor.

“Get out!”

“But the bag!”

“Out!”

“It’s leaking!”

“You can shove your leaking bag up your leaking arse!” With that he kicked the bottle through his doorway, where it rolled around the floor in the corridor. Liquid had spilt everywhere and I was in no mood to clean things up.

As I glumly walked home, I thought of many things. The lost bottle – my only evidence, the feeling of that rusty railing on my fingers the first time I hoisted myself up on it, the pigeon peck, the woman and the homeless man. None of it made sense. I consoled myself with some fried chicken and chips and I ducked into Better Read Than Dead.

Absentmindedly thumbing through the latest non-fiction paperbacks, I came across an expose on the pharmaceutical industry. ‘They’re evil, but that’s yesterday’s news. In this hard-hitting expose, investigative journalist Lisa McLaughlin reports tomorrow’s news: drug companies are experimenting on you right now, and you don’t even know about it!’ Wouldn’t put it past them, I thought, and I made a mental note to see if the book was in the library.

I went to walk out of the store but a whiny voice apprehended me. “Sir, you’ve just put greasy fingers all over that book, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to buy it.” Cursing my carelessness, I forked out $24.95 and started walking home.

I looked in the index and discovered that it was only third world people that were being tested on. Somewhat disappointed, I threw the book into a bin and continued home. It did get me thinking though – just what is in those bottles, who’s putting it in them, and who would be stupid enough to drink half-empty bottles lying at the side of the road anyway?

Perhaps due to the chicken, I had a moment of clarity.

In my mind’s eye I saw dark, disturbing forces at work. Something this complicated would require a lot of time and even more persistence. Sadly, I was about to start a new job, and I had made a commitment – to myself, my wife and my future employer. I filed the case of the mysterious addressed bottles under ‘complete next time inbetween jobs’ and let it go. That night I dreamt of 100 billion stars in 100 billion galaxies.

Since then I’ve started my job and everything’s been going well. I’m writing on a lunch break now, so I’d better wrap up. I still notice those bottles from time to time, but my work’s so interesting that I don’t think about it so much. Meanwhile my wife and I are planning on starting a family, so it looks like my detective days are behind me. But that’s okay with me. Just so long as no one I care about drinks from those bottles, I’ll die a happy man.

More questions

- are North Queensland a two man team? And if so, isn’t this a flagrant breach of the requirement to field 13 players?
- Can the Bulldogs generate enough momentum to have one last shot at raising people’s expectations, before they return to the mean of a mediocre season?
- Why the heck are the third place team giving up a 6.5 pt start at home to the equal seventh place team?
- Can the Magpies besquirt the Knights? And if they do, how long will they stay in the top eight for?
- Will Souths choke against the Roosters? In recent years, the Bunnies have been crap, except against the Roosters. Their thinking seems to have been – it’s ok to lose 25 games, so long as we’re undefeated against the Roosters. Now that the tables have been turned upside down and around, will the Roosters empty their cloacas all over the Rabbits?
- Can anybody find me someone to care about the Sharks-Raiders game? Thing is, this will probably be an entertaining game. Sharks and Raiders are both teams on the rise, you would think, but who is going to fall next year to accommodate them? Not my Bulldogs, never!
- Now that the Panthers have finally found some form, can they conjure down a last minute loss to the Warriors?
- I don’t think the Dragons are playing well enough to fall into the Panthers’ trap – hence I see them pushing Manly all the way, possibly to 80 minutes.
- Eels and Broncos. This is the match of the round. Perhaps even the greatest game in the history of the rugby league. So much to play for. Will fear win? Who will choke first? Will Wayne Bennett punch a whole through the wall and get Michael Hagan in the head? Will Hages refuse to allow the Broncos to use the toilets in their dressing room, forcing the players to suffer severe urinomytosis? When the Eels win, will people rub it (their failure to even make the eight, let alone defend their title) in the Broncos’ faces enough? I hope so. I want to see everyone rubbing, people!
- Hopefully Melbourne will win in a tight one, so that people doubt them early in the semis, so they respond by absolutely pummeling someone in the late semis, so they will have a let down and lose the grand final.
- Will I listen to the commentary on Channel 9, ABC, or neither?

We can all do our part

Capturing & recycling most of the vapours from petrol stations across the Sydney Basin is equivalent to taking 370,000 cars off the road.
My car broke down on the weekend. This is the equivalent of taking one car off the road.

Agent Provocateur

When were you last provoked? And I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally, intellectually.

I like provocative ideas. Tell me where to find them!

I am not talking about ideas I already disagree with – I can find these anywhere! [Although if you can show them to me in a coherent, clear and well-argued form, I may take another look.] There’s a good chance I’ll disagree with the provocative ideas once I’ve found them…but the benefit comes from knowing them.

Where are the new ideas, the revolutionary ideas? The ideas no one’s talking about? The ideas we all know about but take for granted? The elephants (it’s a big room) in the room? The personal theories on life, the universe and everything?

Is there a book? A person? A theory? A brog? A mentor?

Maybe you were provoked by some incisive, insighful, incisor – I mean comment from a person that cut through to the very core of your being. It’s possible, right?

I’m talking about the ideas that are so provocative, so foreign, so jarring that they drag me so far away from my mind’s home that I am blessed with some sweet, sweet perspective on my and my society's and my species' beliefs.

Sometimes I wonder what I’ll do with all these ideas, and then I remember – nothing.

~~~

I best not introduce the topic without a recently encountered idea which I found provocative. It is, That children should have the same rights as adults.

Read Robert Fisk

Here he writes about Iraq. And yes, I know it's 'heavy', but it's worth it because Fisk is a good writer.

Questions (mostly)

This is the best time of the NRL season, because there are the most questions, and the least answers.

· Will the Storm atone for last year? Will Inglis and Slater break out of their slumps? (yes, slumps). What will defeat do to the Storm? My prediction: mental disintegration.
· Does Manly have the venom and past heartbreak necessary to win a GF? Note that ‘03 Panthers and ’05 Tigers somewhat mitigate this requirement. If the Storm crack, Manly could be the ones to pick up the goods. Will Jamie Lyon do anything in the finals except kick a couple of goals?
· Will the Cowboys get knocked out in the first or second week?
· Can the Dogs rediscover their mojo? Can they find the skill to match the arrogance? Who will Sonny Bill flatten with his shoulder and which one will it be – his left or right?
· At what point will the Eels fall apart? Because if they don’t (which they will) they could win the whole thing. Will Nathan Hindmarsh and Dallas Johnson combine for 200 tackles in a match?
· Are the Warriors really the dark horse/s? Will Steve Price crack 1000m in hitups in a single match?

I’d better reserve my next set of burgeoning questions for when the top eight is actually settled.

I really should read some Bertrand Russell

"I wish to propose ... a doctrine which may, I fear, appear wildly paradoxical and subversive. The doctrine in question is this: that it is undesirable to believe in a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it true."

Amen to that!

Givin' my props to cracked

I've already linked 'em once in the form of 'Nilla Hail, but I'll out and out mention 'em now: the folk over at Cracked put together some funny lists.

Ever since I acquired the Book of Lists as a curious child, I've had a fascination and respect for good lists. [Incidentally, this book had a companion piece, whose name eludes me. The Book of Questions? Or was it the Book of Lists #2? At any rate, I believe it was the predecessor of this]

I've spoken before about my enjoyment of The Sports Guy, and my desire to emulate / imitate / jubilate him (Turns out my emulation was a one-off after all, but I still think A Sports Guy will return). What he and Cracked have in common is their ability to write about things we all think, but most writers ignore. That Seinfeldian world of day to day daydreaming, odd hypotheticals, subjunctive replays and pointless but amusing things. They tend to write in quite an informal, spoken style and are happy to coin words.

Cracked misses as often as it hits, but this is a trademark of any good comedy, or indeed art or any other creative venture. Some may get the hit to miss ratio higher than others, but you can never completely remove the lame joke gristle from the comedy steak, to paraphrase Douglas Hofstadter.

Recent Cracked lists I've enjoyed:
The ten most awesome movies Hollywood ever killed
The five biggest mismatches in movie fight history (for some reason, that picture of John Lithgow kills me)
The MILFiest 80s sitcom mums (ok, this one's a little crass)

You needn't actually agree with their lists, but they're still pretty entertaining.

What the hey

OK, so I'm probably the last to see these, but here's 'Nilla Hail, which I watched first and then realised was a response to Chocolate Rain.

In case you're unawares, they're riding the crest of Web 2.0 - the electronic tidal wave (not a tsunami mind you) of user-generated content. By the way, I am also riding this crest.

Last night I saw the shins

They were bony and easily bruised. Last night I saw The Shins. They were good. Perhaps sadly, they met expectations.

I was wondering whether they would be any different to their recordings. Turns out they’re not. The singer sings well – he has a great voice. The band played well. They’re very much into swapping instruments. Aside from the drummer and singer (who also played mostly rhythm guitar), the other three band members swapped roles as keyboardist, bassist, lead guitarist and other rhythm guitarist during the show.

Their slower songs were nice, although they played New Slang a little too slow for my liking. Their faster songs went down well. They played most of my favourite songs. My fellow attendees noted the Enmore often has poor sound quality. What’s up with that?

For me the highlight was the encore, during which they played Pink Floyd’s Bicycle. Such a surprising choice. Wait, sorry – they played Pink Floyd’s Breathe (slow intro - be patient). If only they’d added the 7 minute interlude of buzzing noises, clocks, mad laughter and alarms, they really could have made an impression. It was good to hear the Shins singing “Run, rabbit run.” Come to think of it, that could easily be a Shins lyric. Actually, the more I think of it, if the pace and melody were changed, the words of Breathe fit astonishingly (you heard me, astonishingly) well with known Shinsian output.

All of this a reminder of the Studio vs Stage Divide. It’s generally disappointing when the live performance echoes the recording. The important exception is when the performer/s are so damn good that you’d pay good money just to see someones do that in person. But if they’re that good, they’re probably going to make some changes anyway.

The other exception seems to be classical music, although my untrained ears may be missing something (incidentally, why do we lavish respect to musicians who note for note play something someone else has written, but ignore translators who have taken one masterpiece and faithfully converted it into an entirely new medium?).

Otherwise, you want your live performances to add something. It may be high quality banter, 45 costume changes, chaos or improvisation. I dunno, maybe if the lead singer’s really hot, it’s just worth it to see them in person. Last night there were plenty of frenzied fans, but I can’t find their reason, unless they were physically attracted to the band members. I just don’t understand them.

I wonder what it would take for me to frenzy… Maybe the older and smarter I get, the more likely I’ll be to frenzy.