A new aggressive hip hop song (*incomplete)
ah yeah (hell yeah)
that's right muthafuckiz
here we go
uncertainty
can you handle it?
uncertainty
can you deal with it?
uncertainty
can you live with it?
uncertainty
you gotta live with it
~~
The One Minute Thousandaire
The for sale book about how to make thousands of dollars!
it goes like this
i'm going to let you in on a secret
there is no secret - that's the secret!
you too can make thousands - over time
here are the ways, and i won't even get into all the amazing things you can do with your thousands
way the first, someone gives it to you. it may be a gift, an inheritance, a prize. you now have at least $1000!
another way, you get a job. if you earn $8 an hour, you only need work 125 hours to earn $1000 gross! some people do that in two weeks!! even allowing for tax, you can earn this much in 4-6 weeks or less. now if you earn $600/hour, you will have $1000 in under two hours, depending
on your tax rate.
the last way is to steal it, you may steal an item you then sell for thousands of dollars, or you may just steal the cash.
think about these simple words for a minute, and when you're enjoying your thousands feel free to pay a small mental tribute, by way of a recommendation of this for sale book to me.
enjoy and go get 'em!
~~
A popular children's rhyme
Little Jinky Marsen
Goes into her school
It's a living nightmare
Her parents send her back
~~
Laughing therapy
A news item about self help groups where people congregate in a park, form a circle and laugh, hysterically where possible. Shot ends with man in group laughing hysterically. Cut to news reader, who chuckles, then to co-anchor, who also chuckles, then to man sitting on couch at home watching news, who chuckles, then to man sitting next to him, bound and gagged, who tries to muster a chuckle, then to police officer hiding behind couch, who chuckles, then stands up and shoots the unbound man, then chuckles, cut to bound man, who again tries to muster a chuckle.
~~
Hi Bertha,
hope the day's been good to you. Perhaps you found five cents in the gutter, received a promotion, or made eye contact with that guy from the office you want to bang.
I am writing about your request for data. I am able to comply with it, in fact this letter is a contribution to the fulfilment of your requirements.
I have attached the data, but would first like to make a few points.
The data is quite sound overall, but there are some quality issues. I might as well come out and say it: trust. I caught some of the data organising events with some of my friends and they never even bothered to invite me. I also loaned one of them a fiver and am yet to see it.
I should explain also a couple of abbreviations: sname stands for station name, but that's pretty obvious. pval stands for p value, whatever that is. something about stats and stuff. also, and i just found this out, but QANTAS stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service.
Finally there are a few conditions attached to the use of it. Any publications arising from its use should acknowledge Werber, Benson et al 2010 (full reference attached). Each time you open it, you are required to raise your hands towards the ceiling, shake them around a bit and say "praise, praise be to Werber, Benson et al!". Also if you delete the data at some point, a few words about Werber, Benson et al would be appreciated. I can send you a sample Vale if you like.
Great to hear from you, and I look forward to spending much more time with my family soon, not that you're really interested in that.
Love,
Werber
ps What's your name again?
~~
Haiku
warrimoo my house
everything is still, quiet
fuckin sweet as
~~
iiri
Now, if I recall incorrectly, the Prime Minister has promised to provide extensive health and life insurance for our nation's numbats, quokkas and bandicoots. I ask you, in this economic climate, can we really justify such outlandish expenditures? And even if we grant the desirability of this measure, how can we possibily implement it? Several leading insurers and reinsurers have privately expressed doubt that the proposal, as it currently stands, is practical. I have also commissioned ABARE research which shows that this measure will yield minimal productivity returns for Australia, and have almost no impact on employment.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Missile Magnussen Wows Chinese
Australian swimming sensation James Magnussen has shocked the world by winning a race he was expected by most to win.
"It is a huge thrill and honour to be the first Australian to win this event at the Worlds. I now call upon the administrators to conduct a full and searching probe into Australian swimming."
Magnussen has burst onto the Australian swimming scene of late, having not even been aware of the act of swimming until as little as six months ago.
He initially tried to propel himself forward by drinking water and excreting it, like a rocket, but with proper coaching techniques he soon revamped his form and dedicated himself to freestyle.
At the Australian trials in March, he was refused entry to the pool as nobody recognised him, but he abseiled in through the ceiling and took out gold, earning himself a spot at the world championships. After leaving his swimmers in the changerooms, he returned to the pool but was once again refused entry.
Magnussen won the 100m in a time of 47.61 seconds, a full three minutes ahead of his nearest competitor. Magnussen's main rival, Alfonse Dukakis, was executed after complaining that the Chinese authorities were blocking his access to high quality pornography over the internet.
Other members of the finals field were sluggish, morose and ham-fisted at best, leaving the Aussie in a perfect place to seize the title for himself, Australia and myself.
Still somewhat a novice in the pool, Magnussen kept swimming for an additional 200m before being told the race was over and that he had won. Amazingly, he then broke the world records for the 50m, 100m and 200m events and officials will let them stand.
Magnussen is now poised to make a mint in endorsements, and has already been pencilled in as the next cover girl for Loreal. His management has confirmed that he has also been approached by Weetbix for a position as factory quality control officer.
Next up for Magnussen is the London Olympics in 2012, where he has tentatively agreed to take place in the equestrian as a horse.
"It is a huge thrill and honour to be the first Australian to win this event at the Worlds. I now call upon the administrators to conduct a full and searching probe into Australian swimming."
Magnussen has burst onto the Australian swimming scene of late, having not even been aware of the act of swimming until as little as six months ago.
He initially tried to propel himself forward by drinking water and excreting it, like a rocket, but with proper coaching techniques he soon revamped his form and dedicated himself to freestyle.
At the Australian trials in March, he was refused entry to the pool as nobody recognised him, but he abseiled in through the ceiling and took out gold, earning himself a spot at the world championships. After leaving his swimmers in the changerooms, he returned to the pool but was once again refused entry.
Magnussen won the 100m in a time of 47.61 seconds, a full three minutes ahead of his nearest competitor. Magnussen's main rival, Alfonse Dukakis, was executed after complaining that the Chinese authorities were blocking his access to high quality pornography over the internet.
Other members of the finals field were sluggish, morose and ham-fisted at best, leaving the Aussie in a perfect place to seize the title for himself, Australia and myself.
Still somewhat a novice in the pool, Magnussen kept swimming for an additional 200m before being told the race was over and that he had won. Amazingly, he then broke the world records for the 50m, 100m and 200m events and officials will let them stand.
Magnussen is now poised to make a mint in endorsements, and has already been pencilled in as the next cover girl for Loreal. His management has confirmed that he has also been approached by Weetbix for a position as factory quality control officer.
Next up for Magnussen is the London Olympics in 2012, where he has tentatively agreed to take place in the equestrian as a horse.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
The Sensitive Spreader
Once upon a time, there lived a man. In many ways he was a normal man, living after the fashion of the people of his time. In one important respect he differed. This man had the ability to apply margarine and even butter to the softest and most brittle of bread products, be they toasted or untoasted. He was a Sensitive Spreader.
Nobody knows exactly how this talent developed, although it is likely that, in the manner of all athletic and artistic savants, it came through a combination of hereditary gifts and dutiful, loving application. Almost certainly he did not possess this talent as a child, awkward and still developing as they are, both mentally and physically. Yet we know also that few - indeed up until the Sensitive Spreader, none - of these children go on to acquire the ability to apply spreads in such a sensitive, yielding and successful manner.
The Sensitive Spreader lived for the most part a quiet and regular life, although his talents did not go unnoticed. Some marvelled, others disbelieved until they saw, some were jealous, and others were incomprehensibly indifferent. Within his inner circle, they came to take it for granted much of the time, until perhaps one of them ventured to apply a refrigerated piece of butter to an undertoasted and too thinly sliced sourdough - with awful consequences. These misadventures affected the Sensitive Spreader too, as he felt acutely the pain of a piece of toast run roughshod, ploughed with a butter knife beyond recognition and ridiculously uneven in its coverage. In times like this he would withdraw, sometimes for hours, but only after giving the toast its proper burial rites and offering to right this wrong with a fresh piece.
And so life went on for the Sensitive Spreader, until fate intervened one cool autumnal day.
Nobody knows exactly how this talent developed, although it is likely that, in the manner of all athletic and artistic savants, it came through a combination of hereditary gifts and dutiful, loving application. Almost certainly he did not possess this talent as a child, awkward and still developing as they are, both mentally and physically. Yet we know also that few - indeed up until the Sensitive Spreader, none - of these children go on to acquire the ability to apply spreads in such a sensitive, yielding and successful manner.
The Sensitive Spreader lived for the most part a quiet and regular life, although his talents did not go unnoticed. Some marvelled, others disbelieved until they saw, some were jealous, and others were incomprehensibly indifferent. Within his inner circle, they came to take it for granted much of the time, until perhaps one of them ventured to apply a refrigerated piece of butter to an undertoasted and too thinly sliced sourdough - with awful consequences. These misadventures affected the Sensitive Spreader too, as he felt acutely the pain of a piece of toast run roughshod, ploughed with a butter knife beyond recognition and ridiculously uneven in its coverage. In times like this he would withdraw, sometimes for hours, but only after giving the toast its proper burial rites and offering to right this wrong with a fresh piece.
And so life went on for the Sensitive Spreader, until fate intervened one cool autumnal day.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wobbly earth
He sat on the fractured wall and watched the precursor to pandemonium, the scene that is not, but that when whipped up by time and other things becomes pandemonium.
The raw events - no intepretation, no narrative.
The raw events are replaced, overwhelmed - despite the ceaseless freefall into newness. But not much new, for now, can fight and beat this scene.
Things were vibrating as they always do. Some people walked and some fell. Some things also fell, sometimes on the people.
And the senselessness of it all occurred to him but he also observed that reality may be a mirror. There's sense and plenty of it, all sorts of it. More than enough to go round. Too much even.
But those were thoughts elsewhere and right now he saw the same single moment in its entirety. No time for sadness. Gravity meeting electrostatic repulsion, later to be dressed up.
So he held it all up and inspected it lovingly, turning it around and looking at it from different sides, alternately surprised, heartened, heartbroken, but at all times it gleamed like a diamond.
He put it in his pocket and felt it press against his thigh, and he pulled it out again and tossed it, freely, aside and walked on.
I hope the people in this photo don't mind me putting it here.
The raw events - no intepretation, no narrative.
The raw events are replaced, overwhelmed - despite the ceaseless freefall into newness. But not much new, for now, can fight and beat this scene.
Things were vibrating as they always do. Some people walked and some fell. Some things also fell, sometimes on the people.
And the senselessness of it all occurred to him but he also observed that reality may be a mirror. There's sense and plenty of it, all sorts of it. More than enough to go round. Too much even.
But those were thoughts elsewhere and right now he saw the same single moment in its entirety. No time for sadness. Gravity meeting electrostatic repulsion, later to be dressed up.
So he held it all up and inspected it lovingly, turning it around and looking at it from different sides, alternately surprised, heartened, heartbroken, but at all times it gleamed like a diamond.
He put it in his pocket and felt it press against his thigh, and he pulled it out again and tossed it, freely, aside and walked on.
I hope the people in this photo don't mind me putting it here.Monday, January 17, 2011
Dokic shrugs off dumped coach
Jelena Dokic wrote another chapter in her famously troubled career when she made a successful start at the Australian Open despite splitting with her coach just moments earlier.
Dokic, confirmed the parting with Glenn Schaap after subduing Czech player Zuzana Ondraskova 6-3, 6-2.
"Yeah, we split half an hour ago, right before the first change of ends in the second set. Nothing special. No hard feelings, you know," she shrugged.
"There are certain people that suit you for your game and for your personality. This was just not one of them. It was all kind of a test period anyway."
There was some confusion as Dokic was seen making the throat slit gesture after converting a break point with a powerful backhand winner.
"That wasn’t directed at Zuzana. I was just letting Glenn know he was fired. I wasn’t really happy with his body language. I make a lot of unforced errors, you know, and I need a coach that will be there for me."
Schaap was seen making a spirited plea to Dokic during a subsequent change of ends, but she made the talking gesture with her hands and was heard to say ‘This is what you’re doing’, after which she held her hand closed and said ‘This is what I want you to do.’
Schaap subsequently stormed off and was later seen eating an ice cream and getting a shoulder massage from Pat Rafter.
Dokic had been coached by Schaap, formerly with Dinara Safina and Nadia Petrova, since the second set tiebreak of a third round match at the French Open last year.
Dokic is currently ranked 137 but is targeting a return to the top 50. “My other goal this year is to do some more work with Jetstar. It’s quite rewarding, financially.”
Dokic, confirmed the parting with Glenn Schaap after subduing Czech player Zuzana Ondraskova 6-3, 6-2.
"Yeah, we split half an hour ago, right before the first change of ends in the second set. Nothing special. No hard feelings, you know," she shrugged.
"There are certain people that suit you for your game and for your personality. This was just not one of them. It was all kind of a test period anyway."
There was some confusion as Dokic was seen making the throat slit gesture after converting a break point with a powerful backhand winner.
"That wasn’t directed at Zuzana. I was just letting Glenn know he was fired. I wasn’t really happy with his body language. I make a lot of unforced errors, you know, and I need a coach that will be there for me."
Schaap was seen making a spirited plea to Dokic during a subsequent change of ends, but she made the talking gesture with her hands and was heard to say ‘This is what you’re doing’, after which she held her hand closed and said ‘This is what I want you to do.’
Schaap subsequently stormed off and was later seen eating an ice cream and getting a shoulder massage from Pat Rafter.
Dokic had been coached by Schaap, formerly with Dinara Safina and Nadia Petrova, since the second set tiebreak of a third round match at the French Open last year.
Dokic is currently ranked 137 but is targeting a return to the top 50. “My other goal this year is to do some more work with Jetstar. It’s quite rewarding, financially.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
