Voiceover: Tonight's episode feature's former activist Les Wangela.
Les: I'd had a good life. I'd seen a lot of poverty, a lot of inequality, and I'd *done* something about it. I was a fulltime activist, much more than fulltime actually. We had some big wins in there, for sure. The whales, koalas, pollution credits. Yeah, big big stuff.
Anyway, the board had been badgering me to take a holiday for a few years, so I did - packed my bags and flew to the Hamptons, upstate New York. It was a bit confronting initially, I'll be honest. Such wealth, such privilege. Very white bread, very little ethnic or cultural diversity. I don't think there was a primary school dropout there.
Frank Wooldi: Well when Les returned, you could tell something was different. He had this dull look in his eyes - there was no denying it. He stayed with us for another two months, did some more fine work - set in train things that are still going to this day, in fact - but after that he was gone.
Les: I couldn't, after having seen what I'd seen, go back. Just couldn't. My life as an activist had been so full of challenges, so what was another one? (laughs hysterically)
Voicever: Les enrolled in an MBA at the internationally renowned Chicago School of Economics, and thanks to hard work and, more importantly, making the right connections, ended up with plum jobs at Goldman Sachs and then the US Treasury.
Les: I do look back sometimes, thinking about my old life. But I'm much happier now. I buy over $10,000 worth of skincare products every month. I recreate on private beaches and drink at exclusive clubs. I've just gotten my third trophy wife, and this one is younger, dumber and gives better BJs than the last two.
Cherry: Les is a wonderful husband. He has so much money, and he let's me use quite a bit of it.
Monday, September 03, 2012
Our Resources
Good evening Ladies and Gentleman.
Humans have some *pretty cool* resources. Trees, water, precious minerals, fossil fuels, -
What's that? Who says they belong to humans? It's self evident isn't it? I mean, really, stop being so childish! Who owns them if not us? The dolphins? The chimpanzees? E Coli? (guffaws). Next question - Wait, I mean, let me continue. These resources must be cared for -
What? What's that? Of course humans must care for our resources, what are you, some kind of environment hater? Oh, you're saying we can't care for them? Well that's patently untrue, just look at, um, look at... Well there are many laws and policies in place, we extract a great deal of value... Hmm, yes, I suppose you're right. We don't exactly look after them, do we? But we ought to really, they do so much, and not just for us humans, but for other life forms -
Hmm? You think it's a nonsense that one species can look after every so called resource on the planet? Alright, that's it, I'm going. I'm not used to being undermined like this, and at the very start of my speech too. Piss off, the lot of you.
~~~
Hello there. Here is our new proclamation. What humans proclaim as resources, the rest of the world proclaims as... well, itself. Living things aren't ours. Rocks aren't ours, water isn't ours. We are part of nature, we can never be removed from it.
Humans have some *pretty cool* resources. Trees, water, precious minerals, fossil fuels, -
What's that? Who says they belong to humans? It's self evident isn't it? I mean, really, stop being so childish! Who owns them if not us? The dolphins? The chimpanzees? E Coli? (guffaws). Next question - Wait, I mean, let me continue. These resources must be cared for -
What? What's that? Of course humans must care for our resources, what are you, some kind of environment hater? Oh, you're saying we can't care for them? Well that's patently untrue, just look at, um, look at... Well there are many laws and policies in place, we extract a great deal of value... Hmm, yes, I suppose you're right. We don't exactly look after them, do we? But we ought to really, they do so much, and not just for us humans, but for other life forms -
Hmm? You think it's a nonsense that one species can look after every so called resource on the planet? Alright, that's it, I'm going. I'm not used to being undermined like this, and at the very start of my speech too. Piss off, the lot of you.
~~~
Hello there. Here is our new proclamation. What humans proclaim as resources, the rest of the world proclaims as... well, itself. Living things aren't ours. Rocks aren't ours, water isn't ours. We are part of nature, we can never be removed from it.
The source of 99% of all insight ever: political interviews
Australian troops will be out of Afghanistan by 2014, the Prime Minister today announced.
JG: Take a good, long look at Afghanistan, people. The place is thriving! I mean, it's almost embarrassing for us as Australians - they're breathing down our neck, development wise! But seriously, our troops have sacrificed so much to achieve so little. It's time I pulled them out.
Reporter 1: When did you make this decision, Prime Minister?
JG: While I was taking a shit this morning. I was in considerable pain, and I was immediately reminded of the plight of the Afghan people. Going in for the second wipe, I decided that it was time to bring our troops home.
Reporter 2: With all due respect, Prime Minister, isn't this just cutting and running? The place is in ruins, no one is safe, and our forces are all that stand between women and their certain oppression and defilement by the Taliban.
JG: No, that's not right. Our troops haven't really protected women that much.
Reporter 2: So you're agreeing that you're cutting and running?
JG: Well I suppose you could say we're agreeing to disagree.
Reporter 3: Is this just because we're going to have troops in Iran soon?
JG: Maybe yes, maybe no. That would be telling, wouldn't it!
Reporter 4: The Cats had a surprise loss on the weekend. How are you taking it?
JG: Well as some of you know, I'm a devout follower of Geelong. Two time premiers in the last three years, need I remind you (laughing). Everyone has a surprise loss in them - I suppose you could say Afghanistan was our troops' surprise loss. But they'll bounce back - Geelong, I mean. Our troops, i'm not so sure, i mean how could they lose to those backward twerps? The mind boggles. No more questions.
Reporter 5: Ms Gillard, can you give me directions to that new Turkish place in St Kilda?
JG: I said no more questions!
~~~
Chris Uleman: We have a special treat for our viewers on 7:30 tonight. It's a delicious Magnum almond ice cream. We are now joined by the Treasurer, Wayne Swann. Treasurer, thank you for joining us.
WS: It's a great, great pleasure. I'm practically busting out of my pants here.
CU: Right. If we could get into economic policy, the International Monetary Fund has recently come out and said that the Australian economy will outperform every other comparable economy over the next three years. You must be proud.
WS: Very proud. I'm beaming. I have kids, Chris, and I can emphatically state that the performance of our economy is on a par with any of their achievements, be it in sports, the arts or whatever.
CU: But the IMF also pointed to several structural flaws in the economy that could hinder growth.
WS: Did they? Oh no! What were they?
CU: Please, Treasurer, in all seriousness -
WS: No, I am serious. What were they? I caught the headline about our economy on abc dot net dot au forward slash news. I didn't actually read their report.
CU: Well that's quite an indictment for our national treasurer, wouldn't you say?
WS: Do you realise how much I read every day? Did you read the whole report?
CU: Well -
WS: I thought as much. Probably one of your reporters, some upstart who pines for replacing you one day, picked out a few choice snippets, armed you and here we are.
CU: But I'm not the treasurer, Treasurer.
WS: Why are you repeating yourself? So are you going to tell me what their criticisms were?
CU: What? Ah... Yes, here we are. "Never in the history of an economy has there been a period of more than a few years without any kind of major shock or setback. And let's not forget even during the good periods there are plenty whose lives completely suck"-
WS: Sorry, are you still reading?
CU: Yes, this is all quotes.
WS: Gee. Go on.
CU: "So it is hardly going out on a limb to state that there are some imperfections in the Australian economy which could lead to significant trouble down the track. We hereby nominate, due to their misalignment with some graphs in our economics textbook, the following areas:"-
WS: Hang on. Did you hear that? All they're saying is that we're not perfect. Well duh! What's more, who's to say that the reasons for problems do not lie beyond Australia - or more radically, may I suggest, who's to say that the causes of difficulty and perhaps even collapse are not the same as the causes of prosperity and double digit GDP growth? What if the entire system is flawed, and will pave its own demise, much like some demented roadworker?
CU: That's quite a statement, Treasurer.
WS: Thank you.
CU: Moving on to a different topic, what do you make of the new Ubuntu release?
WS: I can't say I'm much of a computer guru, but I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for open source distributions such as Linux, and to a lesser extent Open Office. Can you play solitaire on them?
CU: I believe so. Treasurer Swann, we're going to have to leave it there.
WS: Must we? Oh well. Bye.
JG: Take a good, long look at Afghanistan, people. The place is thriving! I mean, it's almost embarrassing for us as Australians - they're breathing down our neck, development wise! But seriously, our troops have sacrificed so much to achieve so little. It's time I pulled them out.
Reporter 1: When did you make this decision, Prime Minister?
JG: While I was taking a shit this morning. I was in considerable pain, and I was immediately reminded of the plight of the Afghan people. Going in for the second wipe, I decided that it was time to bring our troops home.
Reporter 2: With all due respect, Prime Minister, isn't this just cutting and running? The place is in ruins, no one is safe, and our forces are all that stand between women and their certain oppression and defilement by the Taliban.
JG: No, that's not right. Our troops haven't really protected women that much.
Reporter 2: So you're agreeing that you're cutting and running?
JG: Well I suppose you could say we're agreeing to disagree.
Reporter 3: Is this just because we're going to have troops in Iran soon?
JG: Maybe yes, maybe no. That would be telling, wouldn't it!
Reporter 4: The Cats had a surprise loss on the weekend. How are you taking it?
JG: Well as some of you know, I'm a devout follower of Geelong. Two time premiers in the last three years, need I remind you (laughing). Everyone has a surprise loss in them - I suppose you could say Afghanistan was our troops' surprise loss. But they'll bounce back - Geelong, I mean. Our troops, i'm not so sure, i mean how could they lose to those backward twerps? The mind boggles. No more questions.
Reporter 5: Ms Gillard, can you give me directions to that new Turkish place in St Kilda?
JG: I said no more questions!
~~~
Chris Uleman: We have a special treat for our viewers on 7:30 tonight. It's a delicious Magnum almond ice cream. We are now joined by the Treasurer, Wayne Swann. Treasurer, thank you for joining us.
WS: It's a great, great pleasure. I'm practically busting out of my pants here.
CU: Right. If we could get into economic policy, the International Monetary Fund has recently come out and said that the Australian economy will outperform every other comparable economy over the next three years. You must be proud.
WS: Very proud. I'm beaming. I have kids, Chris, and I can emphatically state that the performance of our economy is on a par with any of their achievements, be it in sports, the arts or whatever.
CU: But the IMF also pointed to several structural flaws in the economy that could hinder growth.
WS: Did they? Oh no! What were they?
CU: Please, Treasurer, in all seriousness -
WS: No, I am serious. What were they? I caught the headline about our economy on abc dot net dot au forward slash news. I didn't actually read their report.
CU: Well that's quite an indictment for our national treasurer, wouldn't you say?
WS: Do you realise how much I read every day? Did you read the whole report?
CU: Well -
WS: I thought as much. Probably one of your reporters, some upstart who pines for replacing you one day, picked out a few choice snippets, armed you and here we are.
CU: But I'm not the treasurer, Treasurer.
WS: Why are you repeating yourself? So are you going to tell me what their criticisms were?
CU: What? Ah... Yes, here we are. "Never in the history of an economy has there been a period of more than a few years without any kind of major shock or setback. And let's not forget even during the good periods there are plenty whose lives completely suck"-
WS: Sorry, are you still reading?
CU: Yes, this is all quotes.
WS: Gee. Go on.
CU: "So it is hardly going out on a limb to state that there are some imperfections in the Australian economy which could lead to significant trouble down the track. We hereby nominate, due to their misalignment with some graphs in our economics textbook, the following areas:"-
WS: Hang on. Did you hear that? All they're saying is that we're not perfect. Well duh! What's more, who's to say that the reasons for problems do not lie beyond Australia - or more radically, may I suggest, who's to say that the causes of difficulty and perhaps even collapse are not the same as the causes of prosperity and double digit GDP growth? What if the entire system is flawed, and will pave its own demise, much like some demented roadworker?
CU: That's quite a statement, Treasurer.
WS: Thank you.
CU: Moving on to a different topic, what do you make of the new Ubuntu release?
WS: I can't say I'm much of a computer guru, but I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for open source distributions such as Linux, and to a lesser extent Open Office. Can you play solitaire on them?
CU: I believe so. Treasurer Swann, we're going to have to leave it there.
WS: Must we? Oh well. Bye.
Academic battles: resuscitating the bully within
There's something mildly compelling about reading academics duke it out. Each rebuttal more conclusive and devastating than the next. In the event that I ever become engaged in a bookish battle, I've had a practice run below.
~~~
Response to Juang
There is much to commend in Hugh Juang's review of my Day Trading: A Microbiological Perspective. For starters, I can find no typos.
What's more, he conveys his central thesis with brilliant effectiveness. As it turns out, this thesis is that he is a real jerk with no clue about anything.
Juang - if that is his real name - claims that assessing the microbiology of high powered finance workers is of dubious merit. I would simply note that Juang's pulse might also be considered of dubious merit.
It is when Juang moves into more concrete comments that the soft, pink and hairless underbelly of his arguments is exposed. His claim that microfauna are of little consequence to stock price movements would be laughable, were it not so offensive. I simply point to the great cholera outbreak of 1887 and the ensuing dip in stocks of greater than 2.9%.
Juang must stand on surer ground when it comes to issuing proclamations from his professed area of expertise, Fijian marital aids during the Dot Com boom, right? Sadly, this isn't the case. As any professor in venereal disease could have told Juang - had he bothered to check - the 2002 shortage in strap-ons at Frank's Sex Shop near the Singapore Stock Exchange most certainly did have disastrous effects on several large firms - and *beneficial* effects on others. One is left to wonder whether Juang's credentials were acquired after poring through his spam email folder.
I had looked forward to reading a critique of this work that addressed matters of substance in a constructive way. Instead, I at least have a lead for my daughter's daycare centre, who have advertised a vacancy in their 2 year olds and under room.
This comprehensive rebuttal should not be confused for an attack on Juang - I wish him well in whatever pursuits he has the capacity to attempt.
~~~
Response to Juang
There is much to commend in Hugh Juang's review of my Day Trading: A Microbiological Perspective. For starters, I can find no typos.
What's more, he conveys his central thesis with brilliant effectiveness. As it turns out, this thesis is that he is a real jerk with no clue about anything.
Juang - if that is his real name - claims that assessing the microbiology of high powered finance workers is of dubious merit. I would simply note that Juang's pulse might also be considered of dubious merit.
It is when Juang moves into more concrete comments that the soft, pink and hairless underbelly of his arguments is exposed. His claim that microfauna are of little consequence to stock price movements would be laughable, were it not so offensive. I simply point to the great cholera outbreak of 1887 and the ensuing dip in stocks of greater than 2.9%.
Juang must stand on surer ground when it comes to issuing proclamations from his professed area of expertise, Fijian marital aids during the Dot Com boom, right? Sadly, this isn't the case. As any professor in venereal disease could have told Juang - had he bothered to check - the 2002 shortage in strap-ons at Frank's Sex Shop near the Singapore Stock Exchange most certainly did have disastrous effects on several large firms - and *beneficial* effects on others. One is left to wonder whether Juang's credentials were acquired after poring through his spam email folder.
I had looked forward to reading a critique of this work that addressed matters of substance in a constructive way. Instead, I at least have a lead for my daughter's daycare centre, who have advertised a vacancy in their 2 year olds and under room.
This comprehensive rebuttal should not be confused for an attack on Juang - I wish him well in whatever pursuits he has the capacity to attempt.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
A new rap
i'd like to smell your finery
i'm not a fan of joinery
some hogs are mean and ornery
my lyrical refinery
a place where dreams are made and sold
where neural networks turn to gold
where hiphop cheese is born from mould
and truth be told, you've just been rolled
lost your bearings, pockets empty
askin 'where has H-time sent me?'
swapped your volvo for a bentley,
did it gently, can't resent me
sunk my roots into your mind
now you're dreaming, now you're cryin'
can't rewind, no use tryin
relocate to Proserpine
i'm not a fan of joinery
some hogs are mean and ornery
my lyrical refinery
a place where dreams are made and sold
where neural networks turn to gold
where hiphop cheese is born from mould
and truth be told, you've just been rolled
lost your bearings, pockets empty
askin 'where has H-time sent me?'
swapped your volvo for a bentley,
did it gently, can't resent me
sunk my roots into your mind
now you're dreaming, now you're cryin'
can't rewind, no use tryin
relocate to Proserpine
My philosophy
"Turn the other cheek," Jesus was said to have advised his disciples. His 18th and 19th disciples, Louanne and Ralph, misunderstood and went on to found the first ever market in pork bellies in Lower Jerusalem, but to everyone else this stands as a fine example of Christ's philosophy. I would like to tell you my philosophy.
"Wish ill not upon the downtrodden."
This is to a large extent unnecessary, as plenty of happiness can be derived from their current suffering without adding to it.
"A rolling stone is bound to stop eventually."
Even from the top of Mount Everest, a rolled stone will only fall for a minute or two before hitting the ground, a yak or Sherpa Tenzing Norgay's commemorative plaque. And then it stands to gather moss. If you really hate moss that much, you've got no choice but to pick up the stone and keep rolling it every few minutes, which will eventually be bad for your back.
"Treat others as you would like to treat them."
Of course, this may also be quoted in its corollary, "Have others treat you the way you'd like to be treated." I much prefer this to the Golden Rule.
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless a generic painkiller is available."
I have seen no disease or malady which laughter is incapable of curing, including, but not limited to the pox, itchy elbows and Frowner's Disease. Unfortunately it's been excised altogether from cancer wards, as the patients began to associate laughter with vomiting and soon couldn't bear the thought of it.
"Three eyes for three eyes."
In some ways this is the ideal which best sums up my philosophy. I am fiercely dedicated to justice, but because so few people have three eyes, it very rarely requires invoking. And when it does there's usually a 60 Minutes crew on hand to pay for everything.
"Everything to excess, including moderation."
Speaks for itself really.
"To block hats - that is everything."
With thanks to Woody Allen.
"Wish ill not upon the downtrodden."
This is to a large extent unnecessary, as plenty of happiness can be derived from their current suffering without adding to it.
"A rolling stone is bound to stop eventually."
Even from the top of Mount Everest, a rolled stone will only fall for a minute or two before hitting the ground, a yak or Sherpa Tenzing Norgay's commemorative plaque. And then it stands to gather moss. If you really hate moss that much, you've got no choice but to pick up the stone and keep rolling it every few minutes, which will eventually be bad for your back.
"Treat others as you would like to treat them."
Of course, this may also be quoted in its corollary, "Have others treat you the way you'd like to be treated." I much prefer this to the Golden Rule.
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless a generic painkiller is available."
I have seen no disease or malady which laughter is incapable of curing, including, but not limited to the pox, itchy elbows and Frowner's Disease. Unfortunately it's been excised altogether from cancer wards, as the patients began to associate laughter with vomiting and soon couldn't bear the thought of it.
"Three eyes for three eyes."
In some ways this is the ideal which best sums up my philosophy. I am fiercely dedicated to justice, but because so few people have three eyes, it very rarely requires invoking. And when it does there's usually a 60 Minutes crew on hand to pay for everything.
"Everything to excess, including moderation."
Speaks for itself really.
"To block hats - that is everything."
With thanks to Woody Allen.
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