Missile Magnussen Wows Chinese

Australian swimming sensation James Magnussen has shocked the world by winning a race he was expected by most to win.

"It is a huge thrill and honour to be the first Australian to win this event at the Worlds. I now call upon the administrators to conduct a full and searching probe into Australian swimming."

Magnussen has burst onto the Australian swimming scene of late, having not even been aware of the act of swimming until as little as six months ago.

He initially tried to propel himself forward by drinking water and excreting it, like a rocket, but with proper coaching techniques he soon revamped his form and dedicated himself to freestyle.

At the Australian trials in March, he was refused entry to the pool as nobody recognised him, but he abseiled in through the ceiling and took out gold, earning himself a spot at the world championships. After leaving his swimmers in the changerooms, he returned to the pool but was once again refused entry.

Magnussen won the 100m in a time of 47.61 seconds, a full three minutes ahead of his nearest competitor. Magnussen's main rival, Alfonse Dukakis, was executed after complaining that the Chinese authorities were blocking his access to high quality pornography over the internet.

Other members of the finals field were sluggish, morose and ham-fisted at best, leaving the Aussie in a perfect place to seize the title for himself, Australia and myself.

Still somewhat a novice in the pool, Magnussen kept swimming for an additional 200m before being told the race was over and that he had won. Amazingly, he then broke the world records for the 50m, 100m and 200m events and officials will let them stand.

Magnussen is now poised to make a mint in endorsements, and has already been pencilled in as the next cover girl for Loreal. His management has confirmed that he has also been approached by Weetbix for a position as factory quality control officer.

Next up for Magnussen is the London Olympics in 2012, where he has tentatively agreed to take place in the equestrian as a horse.

Dokic shrugs off dumped coach

Jelena Dokic wrote another chapter in her famously troubled career when she made a successful start at the Australian Open despite splitting with her coach just moments earlier.

Dokic, confirmed the parting with Glenn Schaap after subduing Czech player Zuzana Ondraskova 6-3, 6-2.

"Yeah, we split half an hour ago, right before the first change of ends in the second set. Nothing special. No hard feelings, you know," she shrugged.

"There are certain people that suit you for your game and for your personality. This was just not one of them. It was all kind of a test period anyway."

There was some confusion as Dokic was seen making the throat slit gesture after converting a break point with a powerful backhand winner.

"That wasn’t directed at Zuzana. I was just letting Glenn know he was fired. I wasn’t really happy with his body language. I make a lot of unforced errors, you know, and I need a coach that will be there for me."

Schaap was seen making a spirited plea to Dokic during a subsequent change of ends, but she made the talking gesture with her hands and was heard to say ‘This is what you’re doing’, after which she held her hand closed and said ‘This is what I want you to do.’

Schaap subsequently stormed off and was later seen eating an ice cream and getting a shoulder massage from Pat Rafter.

Dokic had been coached by Schaap, formerly with Dinara Safina and Nadia Petrova, since the second set tiebreak of a third round match at the French Open last year.

Dokic is currently ranked 137 but is targeting a return to the top 50. “My other goal this year is to do some more work with Jetstar. It’s quite rewarding, financially.”

At the tennis

Todd Woodbridge: Well Rafa, that was a truly workman-like display out there. Three tight sets, but you never looked out of control. Tell me, how does it feel to win a match at the French? Because I never did.
[Rafael Nadal embraces TW warmly, then lies down on the clay and pulls a blanket over himself]
TW: Well there you have it folks, the finest clay courter I've seen since Andres Gomez, or perhaps more latterly Jarko Nieminen. Please stay tuned, because our very own Sam Stosur, whom I once shared an informal mentoring association with during my stint as Federation Cup Treasurer, will be shooting for her very first grand slam final next on centre court.
[TW lies down on the clay and pulls out a Matthew Reilly book and starts reading until he dozes off. Meanwhile, Stosur and Jankovic enter the court and respectfully sidestep the sleeping past and present giants of tennis. Until a pivotal moment in the third set, that is, when Jankovic loses her cool over a clearly fluffed line call and smashes her racket into Todd Woodbridges back]
TW: AAARRRRGGGHH! [TW returns to sleep after Jankovic pulls his covers back over him]

NE1410S?

Seven's Summer of tennis! Proudly brought to you by Marbig Expanding Folders: Expand your folder, expand your mind...

Sandy Roberts: Welcome to Melbourne Park for day one of the Marbig Australian Open, the first grand slam of the year! I'm Sandy Roberts and I'm joined by Johanna Griggs and Bruce McAvaney. Johanna, how good is this?

Johanna Griggs: I know Sandy, the atmosphere here is brilliant! The crowds have really come out in full force - we seem to break a new attendance record every year, Bruce.

Bruce McAvaney: [to Griggs] I'm not aware of that statistic, Johanna, but if it were true that would be wonderful. [to camera] Yes, it's marvellous to be here. And what a lineup we have in store for you today, starting with World Number Two Rafael Nadal, up against Australia's own Mark Woodforde.

SR: Yes, Mark only just made his shock announcement that he's returning to the tour for one more year to pay for his lavish lifestyle. Do you give him a shot, Griggsy?

JG: I can't see him winning a point, let alone any games. But it's a real credit to new tournament director Renae Stubbs to give him a wildcard, in the complete absence of any promising Aussie youngsters.

BM: Next up on centre court we have comeback mum extraordinaire, Kim Clijsters, up against some Slavic woman whose name I'd only butcher, so I'll leave it there.

SR: And of course, we'll be going round the grounds throughout the day with Kylie Gillies, starting now - Kylie, how are you?

Kylie Gillies: I'm fantastic everyone, and I don't know about you, but I'm still in shock at Bernard Tomic winning the Sydney International - in the ladies singles. [awkward pause] Well obviously there's nothing to report yet, no games having started. But I have just heard that umpire Julio Brillas is making his way from the bathroom to centre court now for our first matchup.

[cut to John Alexander in the tunnel, microphone in one hand and election pamphlets in the other. Julio pauses and says hello, putting his clipboard down to focus on the interview. JA ignores him, looking down the tunnel for some sign of Nadal or Woodforde. Julio leans into the mic and starts to speak, but JA disdainfully pulls it away. Julio heads onto court and Rafael Nadal appears]

John Alexander: Well Rafa, happy memories for you here.

Rafael Nadal: Yes, I play very good last year, was amazing for me here in Melbourne. I hope this year I can do something.

JA: Like win.

RN: Yes.

JA: One thing the people of Bennelong have been asking me, has Rafa Nadal recovered from the injuries that plagued you last year?

RN: Bene..? Benelon? What is this?

JA: Bennelong, it's a Sydney electorate I'm standing in -

RN: You standing here in front of me now.

JA: - yes, at the next election.... Look, obviously we wish you the best of luck against Mark Woodforde today. [Nadal has perplexed look on his face]

RN: Mark Woodforde? I thought he retire?

JA: Yes, he's back on the tour because... Anyway, would it be too much to ask to get a "Vote for JA"?

RN: [looking into camera, suddenly very serious] I love the people of Australia very, very much. [walks off to court]

JA: Well, there you have it Sandy. Rafa looking to start 2010 with a bang.

SR: And here comes someone looking to start 2010 the way he started 1996, Mark Woodforde!

JA: Mark, welcome back, how are you feeling?

Mark Woodforde: Pretty good, pretty hungry.

JA: The fire's back?

MW: No, I slept in this morning and didn't have time for breakfast.

JA: Mark, a lot's changed on the tour since you retired, how do you think you'll cope?

MW: Look, I think with the new racquet technologies I should be able to add 5 to 7 km/hr to my first serve... probably no change to the second serve. And with the stricter penalties for linesman abuse, that should play right into my hands, I've always been pretty disciplined in that area.

JA: Can I get a "Vote for JA"?

MW: I'm actually treasurer for the Yogic Flying Party, although I occasionally swing to the Nats. Sorry, JA.

JA: [whispering under breath] What a nutter.

MW: [angry] What's that?

JA: Had a flutter, yes, I put some money on you to ... er ... win at least one game for the match. Best of luck! [Woodforde walks off to the roar of the home crowd on centre court. Fade to add break]

A winning dialogue

Journalist: Well, Mac, what did you make of that match?
Benny: I played a match.
Journalist: Yes, but what are your thoughts on it? As you're speaking to me right now, why not give the viewers a chance to experience what you're feeling?
Benny: They can never know how I feel. I suppose they could come close, if they saw the meaning of this statement: a bird cries the truth.
Journalist: Are you trying to make a point about Tiger's marital transgressions?
Benny: Ah, eff off. Coldplay's second album is a good listen.

The name on everyone's lips - Del Potro

The correct protocol for any commentator on sporting events who makes a prediction that actually comes true - providing you squint your eyes and adjust for the Doppler effect - is to reference the original prediction and gloat. So without further ado, here is what I said a few months ago about the tennis:

I wouldn’t be surprised to see a non-Nadal/you slam winner as early as Wimbledon or the U.S., which is something you couldn’t have said confidently the last, what – five years?

Hey presto, Juan Martin Del Potro beats Federer to claim the US Open, taking the fifth set 6-2. That's gotta hurt the Fed Express, he's had such an amazing record of beating upstart punks in slam semis and finals.

I also said that what makes it so hard for players now is they have to beat Federer and Nadal to win a major. Del Potro did this, but Nadal wasn't at his peak so I'm not quite prepared to declare him better than both. It will be very interesting to see how the next year of slams plays out.

For my next major prediction, Bernard Tomic will win 10-15 grand slams, possibly all at the junior level.

Weeping Tooley

July 31, 2009 - Bruce, ACT

The Canberra faithful are calling it a miracle. So they're bringing their cameras, their rosaries, their children and grandchildren to an otherwise quiet sporting field on the outskirts of town. "To me, personally, it is a miracle. You believe it or don't believe it, that's okay. But I strongly believe it", says Belconnen resident Linda Jones.

At the Canberra Stadium, an outdoor statue of the Tooley Daley appears to be shedding some kind of beige substance from the midregion. Tears - of a sort - that stream down his shorts onto his legs, testing the faith of all who come."I think that at this time in history, in terms of what's happening in the Australia, what's happening in the NRL, that this is possibly a sign", says Kingston Resident Malcom Yang.

But fearing they were put there by pranksters, a cleaner here wiped the statue clean, only to have those drops return over the weekend. Many are so convinced it's real, they weep.

"It took us a while to realize it was the statue that was... leaking," says Stadium cleaner Imad Diouf. "My manager and I both collapsed when the truth sank in." The statue's emissions have since been so constant it has forced the cleaning staff to place cotton balls between the legs to collect the moisture.

The Stadium has now contacted the NRL in hopes an investigation will be launched.

SOOIII - it's French for that was a good game of league

After the first two State of Origins this year, I felt like a fuddy duddy. I felt old. Origins, you see, I said, Origins just ain’t what they used to be. Sure there’s intensity, sure they’re the best players, but… something’s missing. The emotion, the suspense, the awe. Heck, even for a regular season game, SOO1&2 just weren’t that good. Well, much like Michael Jackson until a few weeks ago, the child in me is back, and much like Michael Jackson until a few weeks ago, I feel alive. That was one helluva game!

Onto the thoughts, reflections and deep philosophical ponderances.

I really hate Brett White. And I’m a nswelshman! I hate him for at least two reasons. First, he beat up on Steve Price. Now I haven’t seen the replays so I don’t know if White knocked him out or if it was Waterhouse with the diving clothesline. Price was in there swinging too. But you don’t start a fight with Steve Price. I’m sorry, you just don’t. That’s like starting a fight with Hazem El Masri or Steve Menzies. Steve Price is one of the cleanest, most respected guys around, plus he’s old. And he used to captain the Dogs. White has a track record here too. I could have handled pretty much any other QLD player going off in a neck brace, but this just left a sour taste in my mouth.

Secondly, White cost NSW the Hayne try, thereby ruining what would have been a perfect finish to the game for NSW. Instead of seeing endless replays of Hayne - who else - skirting the touchline then powering through several defenders for the defining try to turn it into a thrashing, that whole thing becomes virtually erased in our memories. At least it lead to the angry bomb – more on that in a minute. White reminds me of the ignorant gland from the Blazing Entrails episode of Ren and Stimpy. It’s a big dumb galoot that Ren finds beating up on Stimpy’s brain, causing excess stupidity. I don’t have a picture to hand, more’s the pity, but if you come over to my place I can show you on dvd. Alright, that’s probably going a bit far.

There was some supreme attacking football in this game. Hayne and Inglis continue to stun. There’s something about games like this, the GF and GF qualifiers, and the rare club game, that bring out the best in the best players. Inglis is surely the best player in the game, I only wonder why he doesn’t dominate every game he plays. You can’t push Inglis back. No one else would have gotten back into the field of play when he did. So he's very strong, very fast and has an awesome fend. How many times did he tell the Wolfman not to argue with him?

In fact, as of SOO3, the fend is back. How many brutal fends were there in the game? Hayne absolutely smashed Michael Crocker, Boyd got Hayne a beauty at the end, Hayne and Inglis did it the whole game through, Watmough was doing it. A few years ago, I was truly excited about the SBW-lead resurgence of the shoulder charge as the pre-eminent display of power and poise at high velocity (speaking of which, how good was the Hodges almost try?) in rugby league. Now it’s the fend. We need a fends highlights package. Badly.

Generally speaking, I think the credit for the repeated line breaks and attacking raids during this game has to go to individual skill, will and power rather than team execution. It seems like the best recipe for a game like this is to unleash your best players and piss off the game plan, or at least your structured attack. It is a truism that you can’t build a good team, contend for a premiership, without a good 1,6,7 and 9. (Some people call this the spine, but you got a spine like that, you are one sick person. Since when do the halfback and five eighth stand behind the hooker anyway?) Unusually, the 1,6,7 and 9 for both teams were solid but none of them were dominant, or game changers. For NSW, this was a big improvement on games 1 and 2. Don’t get me wrong, there were some great performances there, but I don’t think any one would have a single one of those eight players down on their top three for the match.

Anthony Watmough was a line break machine. Did I see him run around Slater at one point? Someone did, only to get tackled by another player running back in cover defence. But to get past Slater, arguably the safest cover defender in league, was something else. Reminds me of that origin when Big Willie Mason burst through the line with only Slater to beat, and carried Slater for twenty metres, only to lose the ball over the line. Slater is persistent.

There were also some huge tackles, such as Price on Perry, and Tonga on I’m not sure who, early on. Kimmorley on Inglis was a good one too. But you can rely on big tackles in games like this – that wasn’t what made it stand out, though it helped. Speaking of Kimmorley, Brett, we get it – you can bomb. But usually a playmaker tries something different if a tactic fails the first five times. The crazy thing is, NSW could have had several more tries if they’d actually run the ball. Did you see their carries? Such power. Creagh scoring the winner was the epitome of this to me. And still, the bombs kept coming. The one time I would have liked to see a kick, it didn’t happen.

The most beautiful example of thinking on your feet and sizing up the moment came when QLD bombed with a minute and a half left on the clock, just so they could smash NSW in possession. Any club game, even most origin games, the team would have passed a thousand times, tried a dud chip kick and probably lost it into touch. What QLD did is about as Tao as rugby league gets. We need to see more of it. If only NSW had kicked ahead once they had the ball. They spread it, and looked as though they might have had a chance for a second before it was quickly snuffed. But if they’d put in a long kick, it would have been great to see Hayne and Jennings and Morris competing with Slater and Inglis and Boyd for a final piece of glory. Oh well. We got Ben Creagh running away from Justin Hodges instead.

Some more random thoughts
- Cameron Smith is the ultimate little tough guy. He’s like the skinny guy from predator who gets flattened with a falling log but insists he can make it. Except Cam Smith can make it. He takes a licking and keeps on ticking. I don’t know what it is, some people are just frigging tough like that.
- Darren Lockyer’s Angel is having a tough time getting to the next level. Yes he’s good, but he’s not quite that good. Dave Taylor played a better game against the Warriors than Sam Thaiday ever has.
- I can’t believe we still haven’t figured out pre-game entertainment. How bout a song that actually makes the people *feel* something? I dunno, You got the touch by Stan Bush? Surely one of these could work? The other thing we could do, seeing as how people are there to watch a rugby league game and all, would be to play some inspiring highlights. Individual player highlights, big match highlights – for SOO3 they could have just played the last two minutes of that origin game QLD won at the death in the 90s. That’d gee up the crowd, wouldn’t it? I want to see them frothing at the mouth. By the way, did anyone else find Grinspoon singing Champion before game 2 supremely ironic? Isn’t that whole song about what dickheads homeboys who wear the champion label are?
- Did anyone else think the referees allowed a lot of on the ground roughing up and holding down? I know they sometimes let things like this slide in origin, but usually just in the first frenetic spite-filled exchanges, then they start penalising. This was going on up until the last seconds. I gotta say, Barett’s non-reaction to a first minute face grind from JT shows he’s not stupid – well at least that wasn’t stupid, he still might be stupid.
- Bummed that I missed two tries in the first five minutes of the second half cause I was watching the Chaser. A try each in the first five minutes after halftime? That never happens!
- The shots of the NSW and QLD coaches boxes during the game were priceless. Big Mal was sitting there, eating popcorn and looking as glued to the screen as the rest of us at home, while Neil Henry was all stern and focused and presumably sending orders down to the players. Meanwhile in the NSW box Bellamy had the look of an angry man whose anger has become so all-encompassing that even when things go their way they still can’t celebrate or smile. The two raised hands of Joey Johns, and one raised hand (…) of Tooley Daley, were in stark contrast.
- Finally, I am once again left wondering how much better Origin could get if a few more people were let in. I refer of course to the practice of denying non-qld&nswelshman a piece of the Origin pie. Who wouldn't like to see a Tuiaki or Vatuvei come charging at the line? Or back in the day, a Utai or SBW busting through tackles? Or a Kidwell or Ropati knocking opposing forwards out? Or a Holdsworth or Te Maari flying the West Australian Flag? Who?!

SOO yesterday

well, in the absence of a grand thesis, A Sports Guy offers the following thoughts and recollections from another episode of the greatest game in the history of sports' greatest series of games... State of Origin!

The game just wasn't that good. It picked up in the second half when NSW got close, but it was ultimately characterised by opportunities blown rather than seized. That's not what footy's all about! In particular, the Lockyer and Folau tries were an absolute joke. Inglis, ok, he's as hard to stop at the line as Willie Mason in his prime, harder actually. But those two soft tries were pretty much the game - apart from that NSW defended well on their line and the Qld attack wasn't great. All four halves had quiet nights, other than a bit of passing.

I obviously haven't watched enough football this year, at least with the sound up, because I now fully understand my mate G Man's dislike of Gus Gould. Gould has something to offer, no doubt. There are precious few voices out there with the spark of life. But he just can't expand enough to fill a void that big, much as he tries. A large percentage of Australians were praying he would keep poking Rabs in the ribs last night. His warm up speech was woeful. I think he might need a holiday.

Thank Christ Jarryd Hayne's not a QUEENSLANDER!!!, otherwise things would be grim, grim, grimmer. He made Billy Slater look like a slouch, though Slater was tired. Reading an SMH article about his resurgence as a man and player, I was struck by his comment about being impressed by how hard the Fijian side trained during the World Cup*. People said the same thing about Michael Jordan - he trained as hard as he played. Could something so simple be the key to success? Probably helps to be a hulking freak of an athlete too.

It must be a strange experience for Craig Bellamy. He's normally used to his finely crafted well honed Melbourne team doing what they do. But this team was a shambles, poorly assembled and full of players who must surely hate him. How else do you explain the David Williams chip ahead and Jamie Lyon run into touch in the dying minutes? The use of Josh Morris was embarrassing, while Farah, Wallace and Gidley all had virtually no impact. I think Nate Myles kicked better than Wallace last night. Lockyer didn't kick a lot, but his little chip at the end to force a repeat set was pure class - something only Joey Johns or Shifty Sherwin could have done.

For me the low point of the game was Paul Gallen being stuck in a tackle 30m away when a fight broke out involving Hard Man Mick Crocker (or is he an Enforcer? or a Grub? No, that's Gallen. That reminds me, remember when Tonie Carroll used to be Darren Lockyer's Protector - no wait, Minder? It looks like Sam Thaiday played that role last night, but what I really want to say is, can we please call him Darren Lockyer's Angel? That would be great.)

I think we can look forward to Game 3. NSW won't give a flying f*ck and neither will Qld. As a result we might get a decent game. Hopefully there'll be a few selection surprises, such as Les Biles being installed as a selector, Jason Alchin as NSW coach and Jason Taylor as starting NSW halfback. NSW truly blew it, but Qld is a much better team anyway so that's alright. In the long tea break of the soul, NSW players will surely admit that 'twas their fate to play in a Qld-dominated era. These things wax and wane, like the grime in a shower and NSW will have their chance again. That may be little consolation to them as they drown their sorrows for the next 72 hours.

* Not a real World Cup

A Sports Mailbag

Continuing the fine tradition of completely ripping off The Sports Guy, here’s A Sports Guy’s first ever mailbag. Actually, I didn’t really open a bag with mail from these people, but I like to think if they did write and it ended up in a bag, I would open it and read and reply as follows.

Q: Oh yeah, I am feeling it. Nadal out, then two come from behind five set victories which sandwiched me knocking off a local hero. And now the final against the amazing Robin Soderling, who the last time I checked has lost every single one of the nine times we’ve played. My question is, after I win the French, thereby equalling but effectively also surpassing Pete, what should I focus on next?
-- R. Federer, Paris

A Sports Guy: Look, I don’t blame you for being cocky. You’ve got a little of your swagger back, even as you look more vulnerable than ever. If you do win the final, you will be hard pressed to find new challenges. How does simply staying at or near the top sound? Nadal ain’t going away, Djokovic has broken through once and, assuming he doesn’t lose interest, has at least one more slam in him. Andy Murray’s got the hunger (Wimbledon, anyone?), and there’s a couple other up and comers that sense that their time is coming. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a non-Nadal/you slam winner as early as Wimbledon or the U.S., which is something you couldn’t have said confidently the last, what – five years?

Your trajectory now is sadly only downwards, but only someone like you could be disappointed with what that means - winning two, maybe three more slams in the next few years, with an outside chance of a sentimental victory at Wimbledon afterwards when you’re well and truly into the Legionnaire’s hat phase of your career.

By the way, I disagree with your statement that winning the French will allow you to surpass Sampras. Obviously you’re implying that because he never won on clay and now you have, you’re at last the better champion. Thing is, not only did Sampras never won on clay, he never even make the semis. This is your fourth final in a row, with only Nadal standing between you and the last three trophies (though he stood between you and the trophy in the way Jaws stood between swimmers and carefree frolicking in the ocean). It’s only total Slams that will really let you surpass Sampras (winning more Wimbledons would be a nice touch), but you long ago surpassed him on clay.

Q: I don’t get it. I beat Nadal, and then unlike almost every other giant killer in grand slam history, I win several more matches to get to the final. Yet people think Federer will win. Surely he’ll be easier to beat than Nadal. What gives?
-- R. Soderling, Paris.

ASG: That’s a fair point actually. Not only does no one except Roger Federer’s psychoanalyst give you a chance of winning, not even the analyst wants you to win. Despite (or is it because of?) Federer’s unbearable loss at Wimbledon followed by his choke at the Aussie, people love him more than ever. After the Australian Open you couldn’t have even convinced his wife that he was the number one anymore, yet still he’s the people’s favourite. Along with Robby Ginepri, he really is the people’s prince. Sorry Robin.

Q: You know how I was incredibly philosophical and mature about my loss at the French? It was all lies. It kind of sucks being number one now.
-- R. Nadal, Mallorca

ASG: Chin up buddy, you’re still young. You’ve been around for what seems like ages, but you’re only 23. You’ve easily got another four, five years at your peak, if you’re so motivated. In fact, I’d kind of like to see you pick up another three or four French Opens. Assuming you keep picking up the odd other slam, in the eyes of the public this will actually elevate the French, which has always played Cronk to the other slams’ Inglis, Smith and Slater.

But you better get used to guys structuring their game on how to beat you, not Federer. That’s what makes it so hard for tennis players now – they have to figure out how to beat you and Federer. But it will also bring the standard of play to another level. Anyone who can beat both of you – in the same tournament – will be something to behold. Sorry Robin.

Q: How long am I gonna have to hold up the fort until some other decent Australian players come along? Currently the next best player after me is Pat Cash, and he’s ranked 112 on the Seniors Tour. The XYs are in worse shape now than the women, and they only have one active player. I just want to settle down and become a colour commentator, I could so do that. I mean, how the hell is Darren Cahill getting paid by ESPN?
-- L. Hewitt, Adelaide

ASG: I totally agree that you’d make a great commentator. You’ve never been afraid to speak your … [searching for the right adjective] … [still searching] … active mind and you’d be an asset to any commentary team. Australian tennis is in worse shape than men’s basketball – at least the NBL gets media coverage when it dies in the arse. Bernard Tomic, where are you??

As an aside, you can hold your head up when you retire, assuming you retain full use of your neck muscles. Now is as good a time as any to honour some of the greatest lesser great names in tennis. That’s right, I’m talking about… the Two Slam Wonders. Without checking the sport stats vault [Whatever that is, I want one. It would need to be updateable and searchable, and I’m only really interested in Rugby League, Basketball, Tennis, World Cup Football and maybe cricket and some olympic sports. There must be websites with this information, but I want it in a single resource, at my fingertips, and the more quirky stats it has the better. A Sports Gal would be so ashamed of me right now.] I get the feeling that women’s tennis has produced more of these than men’s tennis. Winning a second Grand Slam really carves out a space for you. It says ‘the first one might’ve been a fluke, but this one wasn’t, I swear to god.’ Hmm, right now the only other member of the TSW club I can think of is another Australian, Pat Rafter. Great player to watch, would’ve won Wimbledon if it wasn’t for Crying Pete and Crazy Goran. Sorry, where was I?

Q: When will people start calling me supercoach?
-- M. Meninga, QLD

ASG: After handing over defensive coordination to Trevor Gillmeister, offensive coordination to Neil Henry, substitution coordination to Kevvy Walters, on field drinks supply & tactical update coordination to Alfie Langer, team bonding coordination to Julian O’Neill and TV viewer irritation coordination to Ben Ikin, I’m not sure you’re technically a coach any more. But you’re definitely a supersupervisor. You’ve got more people to thank than an Academy Award winner.

Q: I’m a lifelong NSW supporter and I’ve had a gutful! Those banana benders had better enjoy the next few days, because they’ll be in a world of pain come game two. The NSW boys are gonna come back with such fury, such passion, such determination and such skill that the cane toads won’t know what hit ‘em. CAAARRNNNN NSW, FIRE UP!!!!
-- Passionate NSW supporter, NSW

ASG: Oh dear, I’m hallucinating again. NSW doesn’t have any passionate supporters. There can’t be that much difference between country NSW and country QLD. But I guess there’s a world of difference between Brisbane and Sydney. Whatever it is, Sydney once again lays claim to some of the lamest sports fans in the world. Of course, individual teams have some crazy loyal supporters, but in terms of overall fan base, match attendance, amount of noise and atmosphere generated we suck. Go team!

Sometimes fleeting, rarely absolute…

Guest Post by Gavel
Witnessing scenes of unbridled joy can be fun…

Last night was cold and wet. Luckily I was warm watching TV. A game of footy, two dud teams. Sharks (hehehe) and Eels (hohoho) - both sans their best players on SOO duty. This year, even with their best players, these teams hover between poor and frail.

Anyhow, players ran one-out from dummy half, or made simple passing moves at a modest pace. The Eels soon led a low-scoring affair. Ho hum. Until about 12 minutes from time when the Sharks jagged a try to draw level! Not in the script. Then with 5 to go Shark skipper Barrett sent a wobbly drop kick one centimetre over the cross-bar. The Eels were not up to the challenge, and before we knew it the full-time siren signalled victory to the underdogs.

That was when something funny happened. Now there wasn’t a ‘crowd’ as such, only small pockets of fans dotted around the ground. However there was one noticeable group of about 30 or 40 Shark fans, all decked out in their matching blue Sharks jerseys. This group was right on the boundary fence, and the final play involved a Shark taking the ball into touch right under their noses.

They erupted in glee, and so did the Shark players, who all raced over to that area and jumped on top of each other. Scenes normally associated with grand final victory. Fans and players, relief, joy, redemption, victors at last, grins, shrieking, whooping, group hugs, dancing, the whole bit. Players on one side of the fence, the fans right there with them on the other side. It was a party!

It was stupid, and yet I couldn’t help thinking it was nice to see people so happy! The high for those fans and players was so intense, it made me wonder…

Now most people would have heard about the notorious Sharks this year. Matt Johns sex scandals, bankruptcy, the CEO and the female staffer with a black eye, prostitutes & sex toys in the dressing sheds, star player drug bust, major sponsors bailing out. This week the team captain fined for a racist remark. And oh yes, nine losses in row… and counting.

That’s as low as a club can get. The frustration of the players, the disappointment and angst of the fans, would have been building for months, reaching a crescendo of misery with the succession of scandals and disasters of the last month.

Three aspects of the joyous celebration struck me.

Firstly, the group aspect. A group of fans. A group of players. I was struck by that. Sharing the emotion with their comrades almost seemed to be itself a factor in its escalation.

Secondly, expectation. More accurately, lack thereof. Eels were favourites, the bookies had opened a market on whether the Sharks would ever win again. Eels led until the last minutes. Had the sheer unexpectedness of the victory made it that much sweeter? I was struck by that question.

Thirdly, the very depth of emotional low that immediately preceded the fine event. What a turnaround! Do we first need a depth in order to scale a height? That thought also struck me. I was thrice struck.

Whatever the psychological mechanics, the net result appeared nothing less than ecstatic joy. Of course, when they woke this morning (or possibly this afternoon) the mood may have been tempered somewhat with the realisations they still have a terrible team, are still last, and still devoid of prospects. The club’s survival still hangs by a thread. And its culture is still derided and despised.

Perhaps therein lies the rub. The Sharks had plummeted so low that one very ordinary, narrow win was cause for such uncontrolled joy and celebration? Ah, the sweet relativity of success.

a sports guy

In which we realise the folly of predicting the future, and pass judgement on all 16 NRL teams.

A frequent way of gauging how a team is doing is to check out how their opponents have fared. Lost to team x? Well that's ok if team x has been on fire lately. Beaten team y? So what, so have everyone. Only problem is this doesn't seem to have been very informative thus far. Or to be more explicit, my tips have been unfailingly failing of late.

Eels - turned the corner or just lucky to run into a Cowboys team that did the opposite of turning the corner (Took a step backwards? Nah, too cliched. Let's say the Cowboys turned around, headed back to the corner they'd just turned, saw the Eels lying face down in their own vomit, picked them up, nursed them back to consciousness and then drank the dregs of whatever it was the Eels had been drinking)
Cowboys - doing shocking, but you can never write off a team with JT, Matty Bowen and Aaron Paine. Hang on, sure you can. Good things to miss the semis. Which reminds me - have you noticed how somehow Cooper Cronk has snuck into Melbourne's elite four? Everyone keeps saying you can't write off a team with Greg Inglis, Cameron Smith, Billy Slater and... Cooper Cronk. What the? From now on I'm calling Cronk Ringo.
Sea Eagles - assuming Brett Stewart returns in 10 weeks, Sea Eagles are hoping 20 points is enough to sneak in to the top 8. Because they can't lose with him and can't win without him. And I still think he can win top try scorer of the year.
Storm - remind me of the Bulldogs of 2007. Gutted by a bad loss to end their season, they never really got rolling. They kept promising to... but never did. Still, any team that's got....
Titans - remind me of the Titans of 2007 and 2008. They need to tank a few games now so they can turn the corner in the second half of the season.
Rabbitohs - I hate to say it, but I don't think they can win with Jason Taylor as coach. Sure, they've got a stack of other problems, but the comp's pretty close this season and a good coach makes a big difference. He's helped make them competitive again, but like Ivan Cleary with the Warriors, doesn't appear to be capable of getting them over the hump from threateners to genuine contenders.
Sharks - I've tipped them more times this year than they've completed sets. Surely they've gotta pull together for Sticky and pull out a win against (...checking their next game...) the Panthers. At Penrith. I am definitely tipping the Sharks to win that one.
Roosters - Brad Fittler, wonder coach. I just wanted to see what those words would look like together. The Dogs have got some good players coming through this season, so the Roosters are looking specials in 2010.
Knights - ever noticed how the media is suddenly taking them seriously, and pretending that they've taken them seriously since the preseason? And that Brian Smith is a good coach again? For Smithy's sake, I really hope they don't tank in a grand final qualifier.
Broncos - I had them down as the only consistently good team this year til they stunk up the joint at Novacastria. Only team I would bet my wife's savings on to make the top 8.
Raiders - they are good things to put together a run at some time this year and have Matty Johns tell us how they are going to dominate seasons 2011-2014, once their young blokes get some experience. Someone remind him no one good has stayed in Canberra into their prime since Clyde, Sticky and Tooley (look up Roy and HG's State of Origin commentary).
Panthers - equal 7th, in the 8 on for and against. A couple of losses away from Elliot getting fired. Wait, they re-signed him? For two years? I love my footy!
Dragons - Dragons fans are shitting themselves because everyone expects them to play consistently now they have Wayne "Zen Master" Bennett as coach. I don't think the rest of the comp minds StGeorge being favourites now either. That's ok, because even if they don't win this year, Wayne's building something very beautiful.
Warriors - everyone's tip to go on with things this year after their spirited finish last year. Just blew games against the Dragons and Storm because they have too many Kiwis in the side. Is there a player with a higher games odometer than Steve Price? It's more than just first grade games too, this guy hits it up and tackles and charges down and still plays rep footy, what, five years after leaving the Dogs? Unbeeeeeelievable.
Bulldogs - preseason good things to miss the eight this year, once again no one in the media admits surprise at their form. To be fair, they haven't set the world on fire, but they're topping the table despite losing two points in the Penrifgate. Was anyone else suckered by the write up a few weeks back in which Jamal Idris was touted as a potential 100m sprinter? Maybe after lap band stomach surgery. Patten made a bust, passed to Idris only for Idris to pass back to him. Would Usain Bolt do that? I don't think so.
Tigers - Is Tim Sheens a master coach? I'll have to do some research and get back to you on that. In the mean time, I'm scared by the parallels between Taniela Tuiaki and Matt Utai. And Tank goes much better with Tuiaki's name too. Let's hope he catches a few bombs before he becomes a head case.

Eight rounds in, and I don't think we've learned too much. No one is quite looking premiership material yet, but a few have ruled themselves out. In fact I can state quite confidently (i prefer to make confident bad predictions rather than unconfident bad predictions) that the table has settled into two rough groupings. The upper half (ending at the Warriors) and the lower half (Cowboys down). Don't expect much movement between those two groups.

In a side note, foxsports is reporting that Tim Sheens (or the all mighty and all powerful selectors) has showed loyalty to the Kangaroos side that lost last year's world cup final, by picking them for the anz test. Am i missing something, or is loyalty normally shown to victorious sides? I can just see Sheens informing players who missed out. Yeah, sorry mate, but Lockyer played too poorly in that test last year to be dropped on poor form this year alone. Good, I knew you'd understand. Now can we just quickly go through your lines for the media tomorrow? "Mate, I just gotta keep playing my game and not worry about the selectors." Perfect. Alright, catcha later...i love you too.. catcha". Click.

I love my footy!

Winning through number crunching

In this day and age, it’s become almost passe for journalists, fans and players alike to be able to analyse in-depth the statistics from theirs and other players’ games. We take this for granted, yet this information and sophisticated analysis just wasn’t possible a few short years ago.

I guess it’s just slowly dawning on me now the enormous potential out there, if the tools are right. Check out the brilliant resultsfromtennis.com.

I’ve just done a fairly basic run, from the perspective of a commentator preparing for a big grand slam match.

And the results, allowing me to appear quite the well prepared commentating genius:

rage against the commentators

Well it certainly was a fairytale performance from Jelena Dokic at the Australian Open. She won our hearts and took us on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It's fair to say that there hasn't been an Open this full of drama and intrigue since last year.

God I hate some of the crap that commentators come up with. First off is Alicia Molik, who is putting on a truly awful audition for a long term commentary position. Lucky for her she's only competing against Johanna Griggs, Tracy Austin and Casey Bevilaqua. Did you see her post-match interview of Dinara Safina?

Molik: How many off seasons have you had?
Safina: [blank look]
Molik: How many off seasons have you had?
Safina: What?
Molik:[thinking to herself: god, i'm asking her a supremely incisive question, that demonstrates my ability as a commentator, and she can't speak english]
Molik: [tugging collar] what i'm trying to say is.. er...ah geez... you look great, i mean when i played you, you were a fat piece of shit. What's your secret?
Safina: Shut the fuck up

The other thing I hate is when an Australian player loses and their performance is called 'brave'. This is especially reserved for really bad players, really bad losses and women players. Oh my fuck, that Jelena Dokic is so brave! If I had to go into the forest at night I'd want her with me. Did you see how she made 45 unforced errors? She's so brave. Can you imagine if Lleyton Hewitt's loss to Fernando Gonzalez was referred to as brave? Or Pat Rafter's loss to Ivanisevic in the Wimbledon final? C'mon, what is that?! Let's all try to use brave far more frequently and inappropriately. By the way, I thought Del Potro's loss to Federer was very brave.

Lastly (for now) I hate it that tennis commentators, more than cricket or league or football commentators, always give advice to the losing players. Dokic really needs to stop going for the lines. She needs controlled aggression. If I was her, that's what I'd do, and it would make me win and beat Safina. I don't know why she's not doing it. Just call the game, give us a little bit of insight due to your years on the tour, and leave it at that. BASTARDS!

Dokic should have won

While their Qatar gently weeps

The Footballroos beat Qatar 4-0 in the wOrld cUp qualifier in Brisbane last night. Australia's looking good to finish top two in the group, but there's still a long way to go. I would be personally humbled and ecstatic if we were to qualify. But i'd like to draw your attention to another matter.

I saw this picture in the paper, Tim Cahill slotting home against Qatar stand-in goalkeeper Abdul Aziz (from SMH, Photo: Getty Images). The whole thing just makes me really sad. That look on Aziz' face. The knowledge of imminent failure. I must have some sort of minor empathy pathology - I don't empathise with the Aussie victorious striker, but the soon to be vanquished - and three more times - foreign goalie. This reminds me of two distinct occasions in my schooling, where witnessing the suffering of another student brought upon me a visceral sadness.

The Games of the 29th Olympics

when you’re a sports commentator, it’s a real benefit when you can call your event by multiple names. football is also the world game, the beautiful game. Racing is also the sport of kings. well, the olympics are not just the olympics, or the biggest and most watched sporting event in the world, the best of the best, the olympic spirit yada yada yada – they’re also the games of the twenty ninth* olympiad. This is great. It’s such an unusual construction. You can’t say ‘7even is proud to broadcast the Olympiad’, it doesn’t work like that. It’s the games of the olympiad. What is an olympiad? And I will have no wikipeding or googling here. We must reason this out. Is an olympiad some kind of quadrennial festival, not limited to games? If it were limited to games, then saying they’re the games of the olympiad would be a tautology. Is there anything else of the olympiad? And has anyone ever used the word olympiad without preceding it with ‘games of the [insert ordinal possessive]’?

Can we coin some other –iads? How silly would it be if we referred to pollies as members of the XXIV Parliamentariad? (Forgetting for a moment politics would never qualify for RN status).

For the games, I prefer Olympiac anyway. Stay tuned, for more of the Games of the 29th Olympiac!

More importantly, Olympiad could be the first name in the history of all names in which a man’s name is derived from a woman’s. This is a landmark event in the anti-sexism in language movement. Olympia is a nice name, although somewhat spoiled by Olympia Dukakis. Olympiad is strong, athletic, great.

And while we’re on diving, what an incredible sport. A couple of things here. Firstly, as far as I can tell, there is no greater sign of skill in diving than making the least possible impression on the water as you enter it. That’s a little perverse, isn’t it? Like running as hard as you can into a brick wall and then walking away serenely as though nothing had happened. Alright it’s not really like that, but it’s like something I can’t put my finger on but the point is the same it’s odd. Secondly, surely the judges shouldn’t be so myopic as to limit their judging to what happens in the air and then the initial entry mark – they should follow divers all the way through as they descend to the pool’s well-lit depths, and possibly even as they rise to the steps. Divers should have to make their way to the steps while making as little impression on the water as possible. Thirdly, in the synchronised diving, if one person’s landing is piss poor but the other person matches it exactly, they should be rewarded, not penalled. Finally, there should be more scope for playfulness in synchronised diving. They could bow to each other mid-air, shake hands, embrace, or have one person acting out attempting to win the other’s attention for purposes of seduction, while the other acts out cooly ignoring them.

Matthew White just informed us that Olympic fever is spreading fast and the only cure is gold. Well, I’ve just inhaled 30 migs of gold filings and my sinuses are worse, not better. Matthew, you’ve just secured yourself a malpractice suit.

* in this case, aka XXIX. Note thus that the olympics qualify for roman numeral (RN) status, a mark of history, dignity and esteem. Curiously, Wrestlemania and the NFL - but not rugby league - have attained RN status.

The Draft Post

In lieu of a decent column about the NBA draft, might I make the following points:

1. Huuuge Torres Strait Islander Nathan Jawai is the 41st pick of the draft, going to the Indiana Pacers. This guy can't be worse than Bogut, right? Let's hope he makes the team.

2. The Warriors do little with their pick. Dang it.

3. One of the Lopez twins looks really funny (image courtesy of the Sports Guy, by Seth Wenig for AP photos). So too does NBA Commish David Stern, three feet shorter shaking his hand.

4. This makes the Sports Guy remember a hauntingly similar image from the annals of baseball cards: Oscar Gamble.

When Shaq raps, I listen

"I love 'em, I don't leave 'em. I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em."

I'm no stranger to freestyling. Sure, egos get hurt, but the adrenalin is intense and the benefits for the crowd are there for all the crowd to see. There's much, much more of Shaq here

NBA Finals part two

Amazingly my prediction turned out to be wrong and the Celtics beak the Lakers in 6 games. Also amazingly, there were a stack of people at Cheers bar, where i caught the last 10 minutes of game 6, who seemed absolutely over the moon at the C's win. I gotta say, I let out a few yelps when the Dogs took out the title in 04, but my fannitude is nothing compared to these freaks. Spose i'm just not used to seeing people care about basketball teams like that. One guy in particular was way too happy - heck, he was even more excited that Kevin Garnett (by the way this reporter takes the cake, for today, in terms of stupidity. "Kevin, you've dreamed of winning a championship. How does the reality compare with the dream?" What's he supposed to say? Well, reality is better. The dream is obviously more dream like, but it's not quite the same as reality. Great question!) I was very happy for the original manchild, don't get me wrong. We've been through so much together. I really feel he can kick on and win another title in the next 10 to 15 years. It was also funny watching Paul Pierce's reaction: "I told y'all! Yeah!!!" Simple but good.

What now on the sporting horizon? Sports Guy has kind of demolished Wimbledon for me, if it wasn't already. The Euro champs are heating up. I really want to watch Italy Spain but i don't think SBS is televising it. Goddamn it! Meanwhile the dogs are laying turd after turd. This isn't a rebuilding year, by the way - it's a demolishing year, where they fall apart and destroy all the foundations. Rebuilding will be the next year or two. And the Kings are dead too. Sport, you've left me unfulfilled once again. I shall now go and play with my Kubb sticks.