A Sports Mailbag

Continuing the fine tradition of completely ripping off The Sports Guy, here’s A Sports Guy’s first ever mailbag. Actually, I didn’t really open a bag with mail from these people, but I like to think if they did write and it ended up in a bag, I would open it and read and reply as follows.

Q: Oh yeah, I am feeling it. Nadal out, then two come from behind five set victories which sandwiched me knocking off a local hero. And now the final against the amazing Robin Soderling, who the last time I checked has lost every single one of the nine times we’ve played. My question is, after I win the French, thereby equalling but effectively also surpassing Pete, what should I focus on next?
-- R. Federer, Paris

A Sports Guy: Look, I don’t blame you for being cocky. You’ve got a little of your swagger back, even as you look more vulnerable than ever. If you do win the final, you will be hard pressed to find new challenges. How does simply staying at or near the top sound? Nadal ain’t going away, Djokovic has broken through once and, assuming he doesn’t lose interest, has at least one more slam in him. Andy Murray’s got the hunger (Wimbledon, anyone?), and there’s a couple other up and comers that sense that their time is coming. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a non-Nadal/you slam winner as early as Wimbledon or the U.S., which is something you couldn’t have said confidently the last, what – five years?

Your trajectory now is sadly only downwards, but only someone like you could be disappointed with what that means - winning two, maybe three more slams in the next few years, with an outside chance of a sentimental victory at Wimbledon afterwards when you’re well and truly into the Legionnaire’s hat phase of your career.

By the way, I disagree with your statement that winning the French will allow you to surpass Sampras. Obviously you’re implying that because he never won on clay and now you have, you’re at last the better champion. Thing is, not only did Sampras never won on clay, he never even make the semis. This is your fourth final in a row, with only Nadal standing between you and the last three trophies (though he stood between you and the trophy in the way Jaws stood between swimmers and carefree frolicking in the ocean). It’s only total Slams that will really let you surpass Sampras (winning more Wimbledons would be a nice touch), but you long ago surpassed him on clay.

Q: I don’t get it. I beat Nadal, and then unlike almost every other giant killer in grand slam history, I win several more matches to get to the final. Yet people think Federer will win. Surely he’ll be easier to beat than Nadal. What gives?
-- R. Soderling, Paris.

ASG: That’s a fair point actually. Not only does no one except Roger Federer’s psychoanalyst give you a chance of winning, not even the analyst wants you to win. Despite (or is it because of?) Federer’s unbearable loss at Wimbledon followed by his choke at the Aussie, people love him more than ever. After the Australian Open you couldn’t have even convinced his wife that he was the number one anymore, yet still he’s the people’s favourite. Along with Robby Ginepri, he really is the people’s prince. Sorry Robin.

Q: You know how I was incredibly philosophical and mature about my loss at the French? It was all lies. It kind of sucks being number one now.
-- R. Nadal, Mallorca

ASG: Chin up buddy, you’re still young. You’ve been around for what seems like ages, but you’re only 23. You’ve easily got another four, five years at your peak, if you’re so motivated. In fact, I’d kind of like to see you pick up another three or four French Opens. Assuming you keep picking up the odd other slam, in the eyes of the public this will actually elevate the French, which has always played Cronk to the other slams’ Inglis, Smith and Slater.

But you better get used to guys structuring their game on how to beat you, not Federer. That’s what makes it so hard for tennis players now – they have to figure out how to beat you and Federer. But it will also bring the standard of play to another level. Anyone who can beat both of you – in the same tournament – will be something to behold. Sorry Robin.

Q: How long am I gonna have to hold up the fort until some other decent Australian players come along? Currently the next best player after me is Pat Cash, and he’s ranked 112 on the Seniors Tour. The XYs are in worse shape now than the women, and they only have one active player. I just want to settle down and become a colour commentator, I could so do that. I mean, how the hell is Darren Cahill getting paid by ESPN?
-- L. Hewitt, Adelaide

ASG: I totally agree that you’d make a great commentator. You’ve never been afraid to speak your … [searching for the right adjective] … [still searching] … active mind and you’d be an asset to any commentary team. Australian tennis is in worse shape than men’s basketball – at least the NBL gets media coverage when it dies in the arse. Bernard Tomic, where are you??

As an aside, you can hold your head up when you retire, assuming you retain full use of your neck muscles. Now is as good a time as any to honour some of the greatest lesser great names in tennis. That’s right, I’m talking about… the Two Slam Wonders. Without checking the sport stats vault [Whatever that is, I want one. It would need to be updateable and searchable, and I’m only really interested in Rugby League, Basketball, Tennis, World Cup Football and maybe cricket and some olympic sports. There must be websites with this information, but I want it in a single resource, at my fingertips, and the more quirky stats it has the better. A Sports Gal would be so ashamed of me right now.] I get the feeling that women’s tennis has produced more of these than men’s tennis. Winning a second Grand Slam really carves out a space for you. It says ‘the first one might’ve been a fluke, but this one wasn’t, I swear to god.’ Hmm, right now the only other member of the TSW club I can think of is another Australian, Pat Rafter. Great player to watch, would’ve won Wimbledon if it wasn’t for Crying Pete and Crazy Goran. Sorry, where was I?

Q: When will people start calling me supercoach?
-- M. Meninga, QLD

ASG: After handing over defensive coordination to Trevor Gillmeister, offensive coordination to Neil Henry, substitution coordination to Kevvy Walters, on field drinks supply & tactical update coordination to Alfie Langer, team bonding coordination to Julian O’Neill and TV viewer irritation coordination to Ben Ikin, I’m not sure you’re technically a coach any more. But you’re definitely a supersupervisor. You’ve got more people to thank than an Academy Award winner.

Q: I’m a lifelong NSW supporter and I’ve had a gutful! Those banana benders had better enjoy the next few days, because they’ll be in a world of pain come game two. The NSW boys are gonna come back with such fury, such passion, such determination and such skill that the cane toads won’t know what hit ‘em. CAAARRNNNN NSW, FIRE UP!!!!
-- Passionate NSW supporter, NSW

ASG: Oh dear, I’m hallucinating again. NSW doesn’t have any passionate supporters. There can’t be that much difference between country NSW and country QLD. But I guess there’s a world of difference between Brisbane and Sydney. Whatever it is, Sydney once again lays claim to some of the lamest sports fans in the world. Of course, individual teams have some crazy loyal supporters, but in terms of overall fan base, match attendance, amount of noise and atmosphere generated we suck. Go team!