John Matlock was sweeping his driveway. same driveway he’d been sweeping every day for nigh on 6 weeks, ever since he was born, apart from a few years when he hadn’t been sweeping. he looked up the street, then down the street, then up again. ain’t that a kids rhyme? he thought to himself, chuckling angrily. Chuck, as he liked to be called, picked up the paper off his lawn, then cast a sideward glance at his neighbour, Bette Midden. she normally picked her paper up at roughly the same time, and even though they’d gotten into fisticuffs a few times over the years, they held a deep respect for each other, because they eached subscribed to the same paper.
but she wasn’t there this morning. strange, he thought to himself. that was when John Matlock looked up the street again and almost had a movement – there wasn’t a single person in the whole street. he quickly pulled out his mobile and called a few random friends and family – no answer. this was starting to freak Chuck out. he’d served in
Williamstown, NSW 12:58
Mary Gaberdeen was a truck salesman, working for the department of criminal affairs and multiculturalism out of williamstown, near
Look, I told you already, I need you to pick up the kids – no, Hawn, that’s not fair – look would you just listen to me for a minute?! Fine, I’ll pick them up. Bye for now!
This was turning into a real clusterfuck of a day, she thought as saliva squirted into her mouth. Her belly was like an angry sea, sloshing around juices and prompting her to seek out food to remedy this unpalatable situation. She decided to head for Allan Hot Food, a place somewhere - i don't know where - that did the best chips and gravy. She checked her wallet for a money, and there was some for her to buy lunch. But just then the phone rang again. It was Hawn.
Look, what do you want now, honey?
Hawn started speaking, but in the middle of the sentence she heard the faintest yelp, and then the line cut out. She was absolutely buggered if she knew what was going on, but it started to freak her out. She was below quota for the month, her tummy was rumbling, and now it didn’t seem like a single human soul was around her for now. Things were getting weird. She started the walk to Allan hot food, slightly freaked out by the quietness for this time of day.
Madison and Tony were making out. They'd been going at it for a while, their relationship had finally reached the point where this kind of action was possible and indeed desired by them both. They were around the corner from the local cinema, listening in, or at least pretending to. As the pressure built between them, Tony had to take a breather for air. He had a blocked nose. All of a sudden, they looked around and there was no one there.
Hey, where’d everyone go?
I dunno honey, don’t worry about it at the moment.
But there was a nagging feeling in the back of Tony’s mind that maybe, just maybe, things weren’t alright. He pulled out his phone and started to record the couple as they resumed their intimate throes.
Hey, where did you learn that dance?
It’s called the Mabinoggian, Tony. I learned it from my grandma, she was an irish dancer back in the sixties. It’s the last thing she taught me before she died.
Woah, Tony replied.
For some reason they decided to take a peek into the drive in, but despite the crashes and bangs from the latest reese witherspoon flick, no one else was around. this was starting to get really weird.
The Government had assembled its finest men and women to deal with the situation. Kevin Rudd called across to his deputy Julia Gillard.
A trace of a hint of a tear appeared in Kevin's eye, but it disappeared in much the same way a shitload of people seemed to have in the last hour and fifteen minutes.
A man in a defence uniform stepped forward to the table to brief them. He looked harried and old, like he just couldn’t handle this situation.
S-s-sir, at approximately thirteen hundred hours eastern standard t-t-t-t-t-time, some kind of energy disturbance appeared over the country. It has the effect of getting rid of people. As far as we can tell, more than half the country’s gone – Geezuz christ, called out Kevin Rudd – I’ve made contact with the only four people left in the country outside the ACT, all of them localised to the eastern seaboard. A couple called Madison and Tony, a lady called Mary Gaberdeen and an old guy called John “Chuck” Matlock. the
Thankyou chief superintendent brigadier Stevenson. I know you’ve lost family in this. So have I. The important thing for us to remember that we were elected to serve the australian people. and while there may only be a few left here, at any given time there are thousands of them overseas. it is to them that we are now responsible.
No one was prepared for this situation, but they had no choice but to deal with it now. This was really happening.
Bring them in, Julia
the prime minister’s lush office had been transformed into somewhat of an ad hoc ops room, with plush couches, big screen monitors, telefax machines and desks, and a dozen people repeatedly tapping away, empty cups of coffee sprawled across the floor, hundreds of bags of lolly gobble bliss bombs stacked in the corner.
kevin rudd had assembled a small team of what remaining civil authorities there were. there was an engineer, a finance man, a schoolteacher, julia gillard and brigadier stevenson. julia walked in with four confused souls.
what are we doing here, asked ‘chuck’ matlock. I need to call my wife
my kids, my prime minister. can you tell me what happened to my kids?! cried out mary gaberdeen in anguish
tony and
thank you julia. you can leave now. kevin had julia gillard running a small brown bag team, assasinating the few remaining foreign spies in
ladies and gentlemen, you’re probably wondering why you’re standing here before me. I’m afraid I have some bad news. you might want to sit down. won't make a frickin lick of difference though. Kevin wasn't too worried about swearing now. two days ago an energy wave of uncertain origin struck
the room fell into awed silence. it was as if they were in some disaster movie, only this was the real thing.
it hasn’t taken long for the world to respond, kevin continued. the
someone rushed in the room and called out ‘ mr prime minister, mr prime minister! come quickly!
No I will not come quickly! what is it woman?
all the lost people of
kevin rudd’s jaw dropped as far as his tendons would allow it. this was a disturbing new development. his thoughts wondered to his wife, therese rein. she’s alive, he yelled out
THE END
***
Post scriptum. The preceding slightly fantastic tale was inspired by my reading of a pretty, pretty, pretty lame disaster book. As is my wont, and I am wont to do, i refused to keep reading once I realised this. I remember a book i read called Earth Abides, and it looks a whole heap better in comparison. It had none of the ridiculous flourishes of some books, it was believable, and kind of eery. it is my great pleasure to recommend that book.
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