Australian swimming sensation James Magnussen has shocked the world by winning a race he was expected by most to win.
"It is a huge thrill and honour to be the first Australian to win this event at the Worlds. I now call upon the administrators to conduct a full and searching probe into Australian swimming."
Magnussen has burst onto the Australian swimming scene of late, having not even been aware of the act of swimming until as little as six months ago.
He initially tried to propel himself forward by drinking water and excreting it, like a rocket, but with proper coaching techniques he soon revamped his form and dedicated himself to freestyle.
At the Australian trials in March, he was refused entry to the pool as nobody recognised him, but he abseiled in through the ceiling and took out gold, earning himself a spot at the world championships. After leaving his swimmers in the changerooms, he returned to the pool but was once again refused entry.
Magnussen won the 100m in a time of 47.61 seconds, a full three minutes ahead of his nearest competitor. Magnussen's main rival, Alfonse Dukakis, was executed after complaining that the Chinese authorities were blocking his access to high quality pornography over the internet.
Other members of the finals field were sluggish, morose and ham-fisted at best, leaving the Aussie in a perfect place to seize the title for himself, Australia and myself.
Still somewhat a novice in the pool, Magnussen kept swimming for an additional 200m before being told the race was over and that he had won. Amazingly, he then broke the world records for the 50m, 100m and 200m events and officials will let them stand.
Magnussen is now poised to make a mint in endorsements, and has already been pencilled in as the next cover girl for Loreal. His management has confirmed that he has also been approached by Weetbix for a position as factory quality control officer.
Next up for Magnussen is the London Olympics in 2012, where he has tentatively agreed to take place in the equestrian as a horse.
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He was recently refused entry to the All England Club as they thought with a name like that he was likely to be a scout for the beginning of a viking invasion. Crisis averted.
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