My philosophy

"Turn the other cheek," Jesus was said to have advised his disciples. His 18th and 19th disciples, Louanne and Ralph, misunderstood and went on to found the first ever market in pork bellies in Lower Jerusalem, but to everyone else this stands as a fine example of Christ's philosophy. I would  like to tell you my philosophy.

"Wish ill not upon the downtrodden." 
This is to a large extent unnecessary, as plenty of happiness can be derived from their current suffering without adding to it.

"A rolling stone is bound to stop eventually."
Even from the top of Mount Everest, a rolled stone will only fall for a minute or two before hitting the ground, a yak or Sherpa Tenzing Norgay's commemorative plaque. And then it stands to gather moss. If you really hate moss that much, you've got no choice but to pick up the stone and keep rolling it every few minutes, which will eventually be bad for your back.

"Treat others as you would like to treat them."
Of course, this may also be quoted in its corollary, "Have others treat you the way you'd like to be treated." I much prefer this to the Golden Rule.

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless a generic painkiller is available."
I have seen no disease or malady which laughter is incapable of curing, including, but not limited to the pox, itchy elbows and Frowner's Disease. Unfortunately it's been excised altogether from cancer wards, as the patients began to associate laughter with vomiting and soon couldn't bear the thought of it.

"Three eyes for three eyes."
In some ways this is the ideal which best sums up my philosophy. I am fiercely dedicated to justice, but because so few people have three eyes, it very rarely requires invoking. And when it does there's usually a 60 Minutes crew on hand to pay for everything.

"Everything to excess, including moderation."
Speaks for itself really.

"To block hats - that is everything."
With thanks to Woody Allen.