The source of 99% of all insight ever: political interviews

Australian troops will be out of Afghanistan by 2014, the Prime Minister today announced.
JG: Take a good, long look at Afghanistan, people. The place is thriving! I mean, it's almost embarrassing for us as Australians - they're breathing down our neck, development wise! But seriously, our troops have sacrificed so much to achieve so little. It's time I pulled them out.
Reporter 1: When did you make this decision, Prime Minister?
JG: While I was taking a shit this morning. I was in considerable pain, and I was immediately reminded of the plight of the Afghan people. Going in for the second wipe, I decided that it was time to bring our troops home.
Reporter 2: With all due respect, Prime Minister, isn't this just cutting and running? The place is in ruins, no one is safe, and our forces are all that stand between women and their certain oppression and defilement by the Taliban.
JG: No, that's not right. Our troops haven't really protected women that much.
Reporter 2: So you're agreeing that you're cutting and running?
JG: Well I suppose you could say we're agreeing to disagree.
Reporter 3: Is this just because we're going to have troops in Iran soon?
JG: Maybe yes, maybe no. That would be telling, wouldn't it!
Reporter 4: The Cats had a surprise loss on the weekend. How are you taking it?
JG: Well as some of you know, I'm a devout follower of Geelong. Two time premiers in the last three years, need I remind you (laughing). Everyone has a surprise loss in them - I suppose you could say Afghanistan was our troops' surprise loss. But they'll bounce back - Geelong, I mean. Our troops, i'm not so sure, i mean how could they lose to those backward twerps? The mind boggles. No more questions.
Reporter 5: Ms Gillard, can you give me directions to that new Turkish place in St Kilda?
JG: I said no more questions!

~~~

Chris Uleman: We have a special treat for our viewers on 7:30 tonight. It's a delicious Magnum almond ice cream. We are now joined by the Treasurer, Wayne Swann. Treasurer, thank you for joining us.
WS: It's a great, great pleasure. I'm practically busting out of my pants here.
CU: Right. If we could get into economic policy, the International Monetary Fund has recently come out and said that the Australian economy will outperform every other comparable economy over the next three years. You must be proud.
WS: Very proud. I'm beaming. I have kids, Chris, and I can emphatically state that the performance of our economy is on a par with any of their achievements, be it in sports, the arts or whatever.
CU: But the IMF also pointed to several structural flaws in the economy that could hinder growth.
WS: Did they? Oh no! What were they?
CU: Please, Treasurer, in all seriousness -
WS: No, I am serious. What were they? I caught the headline about our economy on abc dot net dot au forward slash news. I didn't actually read their report.
CU: Well that's quite an indictment for our national treasurer, wouldn't you say?
WS: Do you realise how much I read every day? Did you read the whole report?
CU: Well -
WS: I thought as much. Probably one of your reporters, some upstart who pines for replacing you one day, picked out a few choice snippets, armed you and here we are.
CU: But I'm not the treasurer, Treasurer.
WS: Why are you repeating yourself? So are you going to tell me what their criticisms were?
CU: What? Ah... Yes, here we are. "Never in the history of an economy has there been a period of more than a few years without any kind of major shock or setback. And let's not forget even during the good periods there are plenty whose lives completely suck"-
WS: Sorry, are you still reading?
CU: Yes, this is all quotes.
WS: Gee. Go on.
CU: "So it is hardly going out on a limb to state that there are some imperfections in the Australian economy which could lead to significant trouble down the track. We hereby nominate, due to their misalignment with some graphs in our economics textbook, the following areas:"-
WS: Hang on. Did you hear that? All they're saying is that we're not perfect. Well duh! What's more, who's to say that the reasons for problems do not lie beyond Australia - or more radically, may I suggest, who's to say that the causes of difficulty and perhaps even collapse are not the same as the causes of prosperity and double digit GDP growth? What if the entire system is flawed, and will pave its own demise, much like some demented roadworker?
CU: That's quite a statement, Treasurer.
WS: Thank you.
CU: Moving on to a different topic, what do you make of the new Ubuntu release?
WS: I can't say I'm much of a computer guru, but I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for open source distributions such as Linux, and to a lesser extent Open Office. Can you play solitaire on them?
CU: I believe so. Treasurer Swann, we're going to have to leave it there.
WS: Must we? Oh well. Bye.