Justified and Ancient Mummus?

Hmmm. Hmmm.

~~~

I keep waiting for Beck to interrupt his stream of good, but ultimately insubstantial party albums with one that is more befitting his talents. Now he's put out a song in a similar vein to recent efforts, if weaker, but the strong point is the film clip - a series of images demonstrating U.S. consumerism in all its vastness. I've seen it all before, but maybe it takes something like this to reach more than the usual suspects, and jog them out of their collective stupor.




~~~

I am falling so far down the hamster hole. I look up. I look around me. It's dark. I'm drenched in fear. I'm covered in sweat. I continue to fall and then with a thud I put my hand in my pocket. I pull out my apple core and hurl it downwards, that I might hear a tock and gauge how far below the floor is. I throw it and hear nothing. Still nothing. Still nothing. And then I hear a sound so hideous, so mortifying, so primal that it chills me to my core. It is the sound of my apple core hitting the ground. All up I'd say it took about a tenth of a second, which means that I too will hit the ground in a tenth of a second or so.

Recounting this tale, it still makes my hair stand on end. I can "see" the hamster hole. I can still "taste" the bitter potion that Ladbrook gave me in exchange for a hunge. It took me three long weeks to recover from the ordeal, and if I wasn't on leave at the time I probably would have been fired. You see, I was utterly incapable of calling my employer and telling them of my predicament. Of course, now I'm better. That's what my daughter's high school sweetheart tells me anyway.

The reason I'm writing this is that I need your help. People don't realise that there are many more hamster holes. Upwards of 250,000 in fact. And each one poses a real threat to our national security. Densely populated with treefrogs and camomile, they represent a penny drop of momentous proportions. And yet eight letters to Local and State MPs have been ignored, replied in name but not substance. Let me quote you one:

Dear Master Gee (if that is your 'real' name),

Thank you for your correspondence, dated -2 February 2018, concerning hamster holes and discounts of upwards of 40%.

I share your concern for Australia's security. Sadly, as you are not a member of my electorate, your letter has been shredded and stored for posterity. I thank you for your interest, and commend the following websites to you: http://flickr.com, http://abs.gov.au.

I trust you have enjoyed this little exemplar of democracy in action, ya prick.

Yours sincerely,

The Hon. Born Pab

What a fool! And people wonder why society will shortly crumble.

So my dear reader, this is what I ask of you, should you choose to take on this noble and ponderous task. Stand up and call out to the heavens "You b free, you n me, taking on the world with a gin and some verve! You b free, for all eternity, taking on the planet with a packet of crisps!". It's my theory - and I'm yet to tabulate the remaning data - that if at least a billion people do this, we will instantaneously break the shackles of modern society that blind and block us at every turn. It's pretty obvious that after that there'd be some real opportunities and possibilities for personal growth. On the other hand. if just a couple of people do it, results would be less transformative.

If I have failed to convince you, perhaps these words from a famous guitarist will do the trick. For now, see you later :)

"Hendrix was a perfect guitarist. That's all I wanted to do as a kid. Play a guitar properly and jump around. But too many people got in the way." Syd Barrett

~~~

I'm trying to put some power chords to this sweet verse I just came up with.

You've returned it to meeeee
But iiiiiii did not want it back
Now my life has some prooooooblems
Better call Fortinbras

I hate Parramatta Road from Ashfield to the start of the M4

Pique Doughnut
I wish I'd come up with Peak Donut theory, but it dates back to 1982. Argentinian Economist Reinaldo Hermes pointed out that if you graph world donut production against time, production rises until it reaches a peak, after which it must inexorably slide towards zero [though it will probably never fully bottom out, for reasons I won't go into here]. We can't tell now because we are still on the rising part of the graph, but if the world is finite - and it is - then a day will come when the amount of donuts produced begins a slow but inevitable decline. Couple this with the fact that demand for donuts shows no signs of decreasing, thanks partly to strong growth in China and India, and we are faced with a sobering thought: the social, physical and economic infrastructure built around the notion of a cheap and reliable supply of donuts is not long for this world. As demand exceeds supply, the foundations of this seemingly impressive set of arrangements will shudder and eventually fall. First will come price fluctuations, then shortages, then a probable rapid descent into chaos as groups compete for scarce donuts. A host of other implications follow from these self-evident propositions, and others have now adapted the thoery to cover the idea of peak oil, peak gas and even peak money.

In cold blood by Truman Capote
I was just watching David Attenborough explain how iguanas lie on rocks to warm up after obtaining food in the cold blue sea. The camera switched to infrared, showing several orangey red iguanas that had heated up, and a dark blue one that had just climbed out of the swim. "This iguana has been chilled to the bone." I half expected him to add "It is at precisely this time that iguanas are at their most vulnerable", followed by the old knight picking one up, flipping it over and prodding its belly. "Normally a ferocious creature capable of crushing bones with its powerful jaw, this sea-chilled iguana is powerless to stop me from having my way with it." And then he tosses it back onto the rock, leaving it to struggle for thirty seconds trying to turn itself back onto its stomach.

Spandeckx
The Australian Olympic team has unveiled a high-tech uniform for the Beijing Olympics, designed keep athletes cool and give them an edge over their competitors in battle. Beloved hurdler Jana Rawlinson said modelling the uniforms was a reminder that the Olympics are only a few months away. Australian Olympics supremo John Coates said that only a few expenses had been spared in designing the outfits, but admitted to being concerned that prior to today Rawlinson appeared to have completely forgotten about such a major event in the sporting calendar. 100m sprinter Jessica Horvat added "Look, if the uniforms give me that extra 0.01 seconds, it'll be worth it. If they give me an extra three seconds, all the better."

Guv-Gen
Quentin Bryce has been appointed as Australia's first female Governor-General, despite having a man's name. It is widely agreed that Ms Bryce was the best person for the role, although some pointed out that this is a bald-faced assertion supported by nothing but a crude vox pop of B list celebrities such as Natasha Stott Despoja and morning television hosts. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said it was time a woman held the job. "It's taken us 107 years, which incidentally is the age of Ms Bryce."

I like to keep my finger on the pulse

No, that's not a line from an adult movie, that's a description of my fondness for news. Which is to say, my fondness for hearing about certain events that are classified by media outlets as news.

Special Broadcasting Service News from 7 April two sows and an eight:

Protests overshadow torch relay
There's still four months until the Olympics start, but at this rate the total number of protesters following the olympic torch is going to outnumber the Chinese population.

Brazen school attack 'retribution'
Police say five armed youths (not to be confused with five-armed youths) may have been seeking revenge. It's time to call a spade a spade. Revenge is clearly an incredible motivator of human behaviour, yet government officials continue to refuse to insert it gently but firmly into the middle of their plans. If I am elected President, I will make revenge a central platform.

Republic on Agenda
A BBC interviewer asked Kevin Rudd about Australia becoming a republic. Some douche decides this means the republic is back on the agenda. Don't get me wrong, I'm a dyed in the dye republican, but just because a politician utters a word, does not make that word 'back on the agenda'. Rudd was also asked how he was enjoying his trip. Looks like 'gruelling visits to strings of heads of state' are back on the agenda.

SBS secures 13 Logie nominations
A lesser known fact is that they are all for the Jim Lehrer News Hour in the category of "Best Imported U.S. Current Affairs Program That Is Light On Sensationalism And Heavy On Serious Examination Of Events But Is Unfortunately Screened At A Time Which Means It Has A Viewership of 380". Have you seen Ray Suarez' beard? It's lovely.