I long to see the other side of things.
I'm naturally an inquisitive, optimistic, active, funny and funny loving person. I have the odd downtrodden moment, but no more than other people I suspect. The thing is, lately I haven't been myself.
I'm on the cliff, in search of something big.
The other day I thought, if you're always searching for something, just maybe it's not there, and it's ok to call the search off for now. I thought I'd solved a problem, but then I forgot all this when I kind of lost myself.
I've been swept away in a routine I don't really care for. I'm only rolling down a 15 degree incline, but I'll be damned if I can't seem to stop regardless. I've toyed with the idea of alighting but opted against it for now. Main thing is, I've got plenty of room in my V-hickle, yet I haven't put a dang thing in there.
I can't look down. I can only retreat.
When I stop and speculate as to the causes, or the cures, half the time I'm on the money, the other half I have outlandish, scary, or muffled thoughts. I just wish I could tell which were which. Will I crack a code, will I dissolve back into past and future normalcy? I 'm going to have to do some things.
There's a theory that says more than we'd like to admit of our reasons are little more than post-hoc rationalisations. It's not 'I considered Y and did X because of Y.' It's 'I did X and invoked Y afterwards.'
Who knows? One day I'll dive into the sea.
Here we all are, sitting like fools. Stuck by the rules of fate. Is what we are what we've come to believe? Better the devil you know.
There's a sentence I remember from my beloved Spanische Grammatik book: !Id os y dejadme en paz, so cretinos! It really summarises the fact that when you're learning another language, vocabulary isn't enough.
Und so, einen Ziel zu erfinden. Wohin? Lass mich es uberlegen. It certainly won't be anything like Was ich schon immer erreichen wollte. But I'm optimistic that it'll steer me back towards my optimism. (Self indulgent fool!)
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